One Of Those Days

I have a little bit of disappointing news to share:

I found out yesterday that I didn't get accepted into BYU's Master's Program for Marriage and Family Therapy, and I was really really hoping that I would. 

I would love nothing more than to save my dignity and not write this blog post or share this information with everyone, but I wrote so many posts about applying that I know some people would remember and wonder what happened. 

I have also mentioned before that I want this to be a realistic blog. I don't want to show off a picture perfect family, because I don't want to add to the unrealistic expectations media portrays, so that means sharing the disappointments, rejection, and failures along with the successes and happy moments. 

So, you know, I'm just a little bit bummed, and feeling a little bit sorry for myself. 

It's no fun to get so excited about something and to put so much effort into it just to find out that it isn't going to happen. 

It's also no fun to wonder what I did wrong or what I was lacking when something doesn't go right for me. 

It's no fun to realize that I have to figure out a new plan and a new way to feel like I'm moving forward in life. 

However, I haven't given up hope. :) Next time around I'll have more time to prepare and I will apply to more than just one program. I also have more time to figure out what God wants me to do with my life, or if He even wants me to go back to school. 

For now though, I have at least a year and a half before I'll be able to go to school again if that ends up being the plan then I need to figure out a way to spend my time. 

Some plus sides to not getting accepted are: no homework, no tests, I get to keep reading books for fun like I've been doing since I graduated, I can keep working at the youth residential treatment center I've been working at (which is helping us build up our savings account nicely), I won't have to worry about finding a babysitter for Rose, if we want to go on a trip, we only have to worry about Ryan's school schedule, um, I can continue to work on my photography business, and I can help support Ryan better in all that he's doing. 

So, life won't be as stressful if I'm not going to school, which will be nice. 

I'm also glad that I applied even though I didn't get accepted because I did really well on the GRE, which was kind of a confidence booster for me. I also strengthened some relationships with some of my professors, which was cool and might help me in the future. I also found a good job through the process of my application, and it allows me to use my degree a little bit. 

All in all, it's been a good experience and I'm grateful that I tried. Here's to future endeavors and to figuring out a new plan! :)

And if you want to send me flowers or chocolate to help me feel better about not being accepted to the Master's Program, I won't be upset. ;) 

More on Motherhood

I've been thinking a lot lately about motherhood. It's not easy. Some girls grow up loving babies and babysitting and playing with kids and touching pregnant bellies, and looking forward to the day that they get to have their own. I, on the other hand, wanted kids eventually, but I never really enjoyed babysitting or all of that stuff, and babies always seemed to cry when I held them. I was worried that the same thing would happen when I had my own. Luckily, God gives us this innate ability to love our own children and to know somewhat what to do to keep them alive and take care of them. But even then, becoming a mom is not the easiest thing in the world.

Before having Rose I was going to school, working, and spending quality time with my husband. I was busy. Life is so different when you become a stay at home mom. For a month, I felt like all I was doing was feeding her or changing diapers, but it still felt like I wasn't doing anything.

I read this story in the Book of Mormon (Alma 26: 26-37) that I had always thought of as a good section for missionaries to read. It talks about how these missionaries went out hoping to bring the light of the gospel to these wicked people. At first they experienced trials, pain, afflictions. They were thrown in jail, they were beat up, they were starved, people spit at them and made fun of them. God always delivered them, but it was still really difficult.

Up until after having Rose, if I had read this story I would have imagined my life as a missionary and how much I wanted to share the gospel with people who hadn't received it, and how much I wanted to bring the joy that I had into the lives of strangers. But this time around, it just so clearly fit into the mold of motherhood.

I've been trying so hard to find a job that allows me to use my degree and also be a mom at the same time, and it just isn't happening. I've been turned down for several jobs, and it is so hard for me to stay at home and feel like all I'm doing is watching a baby when I could be out working and helping to pay the bills and do something that feels more meaningful with my time. And don't get me wrong, I am SO grateful that I can stay home with my sweet baby and be here for her at every moment of the day, I know that many people can't afford to do what I'm doing, but it's still hard for me.

Anyway, to tie it into the scriptures, motherhood is a sacrifice. Ryan and I haven't had very much quality time together in ages. Rose won't take a bottle, so we can't get a babysitter and we just take her with us to all of our dates. We haven't been able to go to the temple. Every task I do takes twice as long because I have to comfort her or feed her right in the middle of it. Getting out the door takes forever because I have to feed her, change her, pack the diaper bag, make sure I have everything I need, and then get out the door. Instead of just "running a few quick errands" I have to make sure that whatever I need to do is baby accessible (for example: grocery shopping. I have to make sure I can fit her car seat in the cart as well as all the groceries.) Every time we visit family her schedule is completely thrown off and she cries in the middle of the night. I feel like I hardly do anything at all, and yet I'm exhausted and my body aches.

All of my friends are finishing up Master's Degrees and I can't even qualify for jobs that high school graduates can do.

Alma 26:30 says, "And we have suffered all manner of afflictions, and all this, that perhaps we might be the means of saving some soul; and we supposed that our joy would be full if perhaps we could be the means of saving some."

Giving up my worldly desires is rough. Giving up having money to spend on travel and dates, and nice food is rough. Giving up my time to go wherever I want, whenever I want is rough. Giving up my sleep and sometimes my sanity is rough.

BUT, I'm raising one of God's precious daughters. He trusted me to be her mom, to feed her, to change her diapers, to dress her, and also to teach her, to love her, and to protect her. I may not be out changing the world, but I'm raising a sweet little girl and teaching her to be a disciple of Christ. I'm laying down my life for a little while, so that I can help build the kingdom of God, one little baby at a time.

I know that God is mindful of mothers. He's right beside us, and in His mind, this is some of the most important work to be done on the Earth. It's lame that the world teaches us otherwise, but I'm grateful for this chance I have to be a mom.

"Now have we not reason to rejoice? ... There never were men that had so great reason to rejoice as we...my joy is carried away, even unto boasting in my God; for he has all power, all wisdom, and all understanding..." (Alma 26:35)

"We see that God is mindful of every people, whatsoever land they may be in; yea, he numbereth his people, and his bowels of mercy are over all the earth. Now this is my joy, and my great thanksgiving; yea, and I will give thanks unto my God forever. Amen." (Alma 26:37)