A Blog Post Written at 4 AM

It's 4 AM right now, and I am sitting at a desk in the Residential Treatment Center I now work at. My one and only job is to stay awake from 10 PM to 8 AM. It is seriously difficult. In fact, if this blog post turns out as complete gibberish, you'll know why.

I started my new job 2 weeks ago, but last Saturday night I had my very first night shift.

I'm not kidding when I say that my only job is to stay awake. All the kids are sleeping, so we just have to make sure no one runs away or does anything they're not supposed to. Otherwise, we just sit and stay awake. (Or try with all our might....)

My first night was REALLY difficult. I've never worked a 10 shift OR a night shift, so it has definitely been an adjustment.

Luckily, I only work 3 nights a week and I work them all in a row, so I have 3 rough days with little sleep, and then 4 days with normal amounts of sleep.

I also have the BEST baby in the whole world because when I get home in the mornings I feed her and then put her back to bed and every single day that I worked last week, she slept for an entire 4 hours! (Which is a first for her!) She is the sweetest baby in the whole wide world, and I love her for that. I'm normally pretty good on low amounts of sleep, and 4 hours feels like plenty. Especially because I only expected 2 hours of time that she would let me sleep.

Thanksgiving just came and went this past week, and I am so grateful for all the normal things: Ryan, Rose, our family, our home, food, chocolate, etc. But this year, I am extra grateful for a few other things.

1) All the people that have helped me out so much as I've applied for and been trained for this job. I don't know anyone close by who has the time to watch a baby for several hours, yet I've had help from so many people who have stepped up and sacrificed time they needed to do homework, work, or just relax from their extra busy lives. Last weekend, Ryan was out of town and I was especially stressed about my first night of work and what I would do with Rose since we would both be gone. Two friends that are going to BYU willingly came over and had a sleepover at my apartment so that they could be here when Rose woke up, which meant SO much to me.

2) I'm so so so grateful to have found a job that doesn't take away my time with Rose. She has no idea that I'm gone all night, and I am so grateful that I'm not missing any moments with her during the day.

3) I'm grateful for all the opportunities I have to learn and grow and pursue my dreams. I don't know if I'll get into the Master's program at BYU but studying for and taking the GRE reminded me that I like to learn and that I'm not dumb. Getting this job makes me feel useful and gives me something to do that's my own.

4) I am so grateful for the 4 nights that I get to sleep. I have most definitely taken for granted how wonderful sleeping at night in a warm, comfortable bed next to a loving husband is.

5) This doesn't have anything to do with the other ones, but I'm grateful to not be pregnant this Fall and to not have morning sickness. Fall last year was pretty much ruined by that... and I'm so glad I can eat food without throwing up!

6) I already mentioned this, but I will always be so so so grateful for Ryan, for his support and for how much he loves me. Normally before I leave for work, I feed Rose into a coma, put her to bed and then don't have to worry about her waking up until at least 7 am. Tonight, Rose wouldn't eat, and was wide awake and I didn't know what to do because I had to leave for work. Ryan told me not to worry about it and that he would take care of it. I'm not sure how it went, because I'm still at work, but I can't imagine that she was happy to go to bed in a way that's different from her norm. It takes a really awesome husband to say "Hey, don't worry about it. I'll take this baby and potentially not get any sleep tonight because she hasn't been fed. We'll be alright. Go on, and don't give it anymore thought!" He's the best. :)

It's about 4:30 am now, and I almost fell asleep and I almost accidentally pushed on the little red 'x' at the top of the screen. That would be rough. Enjoy your sleep! Don't take advantage of it!

Simple Joys

Yes, Rose is eating her cardigan in this picture. She likes chewing on her blanket but I guess her cardigan was just easier to get to at the moment. 

Lately, I've been trying REALLY hard to study my scriptures every day, and not just to read them every day, but to really study them, to pray before, to take notes, to write whatever comes to mind down, to think about what I read, to pay attention to what comes to mind, to talk about what I read, etc. One reason I'm putting so much emphasis on this is because lately I haven't felt as close to God as I did as a missionary. I was trying to figure out how to make Him a priority in my life again and one thing that came to mind was that I need to pay attention to tender mercies.

Here's my thought process:

The scriptures say to love God with all your heart, might, mind, and strength. > How do I love God with every part of me? > It's easier to love someone who loves  you. > How do I know that God loves me? > By the small things that show up and feel like they are just for me, the tender mercies from a loving Heavenly Father. > Tender mercies feel like they tie into simple joys (which is what I'll write about next.)

So, anyways, I've been working on this for a few weeks now, and it's not easy, but I've been making progress. Something that helped me today was this blog post about simple pleasures. These simple pleasures are the little joys in life that bring a smile to your face and warm your heart. Some of the examples were: the smell of snow, a room with a view, baby belly laughs, etc.

After reading that, I wanted to make a list of simple joys for me.

• When the sun sets just perfectly to turn the sky and the mountains a hazy pink.
• When Rose wakes up in the morning and gives me a sleepy smile, OR when I'm watching her sleep and she smiles a little dream smile.
• When Ryan rolls over in the morning to cuddle with me instead of getting an extra 10 minutes of comfortable sleep. 
• When I have a conversation with a friend that I don't replay in my head for the next week thinking about all the dumb things I said.
• When the sink is empty.
• When there is leftover dessert that I can eat for breakfast.
• When my shampoo and conditioner run out at the exact same time (this hasn't happened yet, but I am hoping that one day it will, and I'm sure it will be glorious and joyful when it does happen.)
• When Rose falls asleep in my arms and I have time to just let her stay there for a while.
• When a book ends exactly the way I was hoping it would.
• When I find a super duper cheesy dad joke to share with Ryan and he laughs because he thinks it's so dumb but then tells me how much he loves me despite my poor taste in jokes. 
• When I go to drink out of my water bottle and there is still water left in it.
• The days when I have a chance to call and talk to my mom for as long as I want. 
• When a baby curls their teensy hands around your finger.
• When you come up with the perfect gift to give to someone you care about.
• Getting a real letter in the mail instead of the regular credit card offers.
• When your favorite snack is on sale at the store for a great deal. (Last week, peanut butter cap'n crunch was on sale for 99 cents a box. I got four boxes.)
• When Ryan get home from work earlier than I thought he would. 
• Using candles instead of light bulbs.
• When Ryan offers to let me choose a romantic comedy for us to watch at night.
• When I actually know what movie quote Ryan is quoting for once. 
• When you actually finish everything on your to do list in a day and have time to sit and relax.
• Those times that Pandora plays songs that you actually want to listen to.
• When we go on long car drives and talk the whole way without running out of something to talk about or being distracted.
• When Ryan grabs me a snack in the gas station because he knows how much I love eating, even though gas station snacks are way overpriced.

Wow! That went on way longer than I thought. There are so many things to be happy about! I could go on forever, but I won't because that would be a ridiculously long blog post. However, I would definitely recommend sitting down and writing a list of the simple joys that you recognize in your life! 

Also, if you have any other good ideas for how to love the Lord with ALL your heart, might, mind, and strength, please share. 

And, thanks for bearing with me and reading my whole list. I hope it helped you to feel a little more joy and a little more loved, as it did for me.  

And.... GRADUATED!

It is so hard to believe that I have officially graduated from BYU. It has been one of the most wonderful parts of my life to be a student here.

I always wanted to go to Brigham Young University. Growing up in Florida and Texas I only had a handful of friends who had the same beliefs as me. I had several Christian friends, but growing up Mormon in the South, you kind of stick out just a little bit.

Getting accepted to come here was a dream come true. My first year here I made a TON of wonderful friends, had the time of my life, and felt like I had finally found a place where I fit in and could be myself with people my own age. This is also the place where I found my testimony of the Savior.

This was taken with everyone that started BYU Fall 2013.

I've mentioned on here before (in my pre-mission blog posts) that when I got here I was struggling to figure out where my faith was and who Jesus Christ was to me. My faith was teeny tiny, and BYU was the place that made it possible for me to really explore and learn about Jesus Christ and about His gospel. I had a wonderful bishop, great friends, fantastic professors, and the perfect environment for learning and feeling God's love. I loved that the bell tower played "Come Come Ye Saints every day" reminding me that "All is well, all is well." I loved going to the devotionals every Tuesday that seemed to be inspired because the topic always pertained perfectly to the struggles I was facing that week. I loved starting every class with a prayer and that every topic, from religion to photography to science, was tied into the gospel of Jesus Christ. (For instance, in my photography class, we had a class about the importance of light in photography, and my teacher discussed the importance of the Light of Christ in our lives...I also took a leadership class that spent an entire section discussing Christlike leadership...how cool is that??)

Instead of having a religious life and everything else separate, I learned that faith goes perfectly with every aspect of my life. I didn't live my life and then only go to church on Sunday, my life became intertwined with my faith. I realized that I could pray about ANYTHING, and God would answer.

I may get a little defensive when people talk negatively about BYU, but that's just because my time spent here has been a life changing experience. I know that it isn't perfect and the people here definitely aren't (I'm not.) but I think this place was perfect for me.

I wasn't supposed to graduate until December, but last August when Ryan and I found out I was pregnant we bounced back and forth different ideas for how to help me finish sooner rather than later. We figured I would just take my last few classes in December and we would go back and forth with taking care of the baby, but in November I made a list of every class I needed in order to graduate in April. Having only taken 12-15 credits a semester during my previous six semesters made it seem impossible to finish in only one more semester, but Ryan has a lot more faith in me than I do, and encouraged me to try to finish by April. So, I signed up for 20 credits of classes (one of them online), dropped down to only working 10 hours a week instead of 20, and applied to graduate in April 2018.

You may be thinking that we are crazy, maybe we are.... but somehow this last semester was the best semester I've ever had. I think it just goes to show that God cares about His children, and cares about what is important to them. To me, getting an education and graduating was really important to me. It is  also important to me to be available to my baby when she gets here, which would be more difficult for me if I was still going to school. In any other circumstance, 20 credits of classes actually would have been impossible for me to accomplish, but this last semester I felt more calm than I ever have. I loved the classes I took, the professors who taught me, the information I gained, and I am actually sad to be done taking these classes.

Anyways, I just think that BYU is the most wonderful school on the planet, and I am SO grateful that God blessed me with the opportunity to get my education here and that He has made it possible for the church to have this school that combines secular and spiritual education into one.

I am grateful for the support and encouragement that my husband and my family have given me that have made it possible for me to get to this point. I am also incredibly grateful that they came from all over (Texas and Southern Utah) to watch me waddle across the stage to receive my (fake) diploma and shake hands with important people in a large unflattering graduation gown. It's been a wonderful week and I'm glad my baby waited to come so that I could experience it. :)

Now, I have two weeks to worry about getting everything ready for her arrival. And I am excited to tell her that she got to walk across the stage with me. :)

Some of my BYU statistics:

• # of Semesters: 7
• # of Apartments: 5 (Young Hall, New Heritage Building 10, Glenwood room 56 and room 72, and the apartment we live in now.) 
• Did I meet my husband at BYU like I thought I would?: Nope (In fact, he is one of those very anti-BYU people I mentioned. He would never apply to BYU if his life depended on it, he also claimed that he would never date or marry someone that went to BYU, look where that got him. ;) I met him in Olympia, Washington.)
• Times Hiking the Y: 1 (at Midnight)
• Majors declared: 4 (Pre-Graphic Design, Pre-Photography, Human Development, I finally settled on Family Studies)
• # of Roommates: 13 (or 14 if the alien in my uterus counts) 
• # of Football games I went to: 2 1/2 (I also went to 1 basketball game, 1 volleyball game, and 1 soccer game.) 
• # of papers I wrote: 56
• # of student jobs: 5 (Research Assistant for an engineering group, One day AV tech for a conference held at BYU, food prep/cashier/ice cream scooper at the Cougar Cafe, Mail girl in the ASB, and Teaching Assistant for Dr. Jeff Hill's Family Processes class.) 
• On a scale of 1 to 10 how much do I like BYU?: 11

The last thing I want to share about BYU (when I write my next blog post I'll go back to updating about the pregnancy and maybe even a birth) is what Elder Holland had to say at the Commencement ceremony. It was a very uplifting speech. (I knew it would be though... the only reason I went to Commencement was because he would be the keynote speaker, otherwise I would have stayed home. Large, pregnant women don't belong in VERY crowded buildings with thousands and thousands and thousands of people.) 

My favorite part was some advice that he shared with us graduates: 

"Go out there and light a candle. Be a ray of light. Be your best self, and let your character shine. Cherish the gospel of Jesus Christ and live it. The world needs you and surely your Father in Heaven needs you if His blessed purposes for His children are to prevail. You have entered to learn, now go forth to serve and strengthen."

(So far there are only highlights from his speech, but I'm hoping they will eventually upload the whole thing... but here is the link to the highlights. My other favorite part is in the last minute of the highlights. Go watch it!)

That's it! I'm excited to take what I learned in my years at BYU and to use it to bless the lives of my family and the people around me. :) I don't believe in "the best two years" or four years in this case. These have been wonderful wonderful years, but I'm determined to have wonderful years every year for the rest of my life. Thanks for reading my love letter to BYU. :) 

Is this not the most pregnant picture you have ever seen?

** Photo Credit to my sister Emily who walked all over campus to take pictures of me in my cap and gown in all of my favorite BYU spots. 

Another Baby Bump Post

Here's another baby bump post. As you can see I am starting to actually look pregnant. So, that's good. Most of my ward doesn't know that I'm pregnant, and it would be awkward to just show up one of these days with a baby. But it is starting to look like I'll look pregnant for a little while before that happens. :)

School started again this week. I have decided that I will call this chapter of my life "Walking a Lot with a Heavy Backpack." Somehow, no matter how strategically I try to park my car, I still end up walking a million miles all over campus up hill all the ways. The air is thin here, and I have a hard time breathing. It's rough.

Yesterday, this was the path that I walked. For a pregnant person with a heavy backpack, it's even harder, okay? So, if you don't think it's a lot of walking just take it back and agree with me. And then commiserate with me that they don't have pregnant person parking on campus.

Number 1 is where I parked. Number 2 is where my first class was. Number 3 is where I walked to take a midterm. (By the way, I am already half way finished with my online Doctrine and Covenants class, which I am pretty proud of because I started over Winter break.) And Number 4 is when I walked ALLLLLLLLLLLLL the way from number 3 back to where I parked. I just looked it up, and I guess it's a mile one way. (I looked at it in walking so it even went diagonally the way I walked so I'd say it's pretty accurate. So, I walked 2 miles yesterday. Just to get around campus. And if you aren't impressed than you should be!)

Anyways, so that was just one day, but I feel like this is how my week has gone so far, and it is what I imagine the rest of my semester will be like as well.

Um, other information to update ya'll on.... the baby is healthy and kicking. Kicking a lot. Normally very persistently when I'm in a class and trying to focus. Or, when I have to go to the bathroom she kicks my bladder.

My pregnancy brain is settling in nicely. I accidentally almost stole a book from a store recently. Ryan and I were in a used book store looking for books to add to our collection. We found this beautiful old book that we were considering buying. Ryan was looking at a few more books and then I realized that I needed to go to the bathroom...like RIGHT away. (You know how it goes.) So, I told him that we needed to leave and we walked out to go find a bathroom, and then he was talking to me and looked down and noticed that I was still holding that book that we had been thinking about buying, and he said "You still have the book!" and I freaked out and ran back into the store to put it back. And then we found a bathroom. So, pregnancy has turned me into a thief.

Most of the other things that happen are just dumb embarrassing things like not being able to remember any words anymore. For instance, I asked if it snew somewhere. (The past tense of snow. Even now, my blog writing thing is telling me that "snew" is not a word." But for a second, I thought it was. Nope.

Other things that happen to me because I'm pregnant:

- Strange nightmares, I was in World War II the other night and it had an alternative ending. The Germans were winning and I was about to be killed by a bomb, but I woke up just in time. I also had a dream about scary clowns that killed people. (I have purposely NEVER even watched any of those movies because I knew it would scare me and yet, here I am having nightmares about it!)
- I started to enjoy bananas this week. If you know me, you know that I hate bananas. But they taste good to me this week, so I guess my body is telling me that I need more potassium.
- I cry while I'm driving fairly often because I imagine how sad it would be if I died in a car accident and Ryan was left by himself, or the other way around.

One last thing that you will be happy to know is that I went grocery shopping the other day and food actually sounded good to me. That hasn't happened since September. Things are looking up. :)

It's going to be a crazy semester and I'm a little worried about how Ryan and I will handle all of it, me with my 20 credits of classes, a growing belly, and lots of walking, and Ryan with his full-time job, full-time school work and an anatomy class. But last semester one of my teachers told us that:

"Two [or in this case, three] people can do anything as long as one of them is the Lord."

And I'm counting on that. 

I'm also so grateful to have so many sources of inspiration and hope from church leaders like President Thomas S. Monson who passed away last week, people have been quoting him all week, and the one that has made me think the most, has been to "find joy in the journey--now."

This year, that's what I will be working on, finding joy in the journey. It will make surviving school a little bit easier I think. I'll let you know how it goes. :)

PS. A little side note, Ryan and I saved up for months to buy me a new camera so that I could take better pictures when I have photography jobs. One of the super duper cool features on it is that it can be hooked up through wi-fi to my phone. I have this nifty app that makes it so I can see through the lens on my app and change the settings and take these pictures! So, it's like the ULTIMATE selfie camera! I can change the ISO, aperture, shutter speed, etc and then move my phone out of the picture and take the photo with no one the wiser... except that I just told you because I think it is SO cool! 

Bluebonnets

I have a hard time finding anything beautiful about Texas. After living in Florida with the beaches and all that green, or in Utah with the mountains that are constant but also constantly changing, actual seasons, and that beautiful Spring, Texas just looks so flat, brown, and dull. However, as a photographer, it is my job to find beauty in everything and share it with the world. I pride myself in my ability to find beauty in most places. So, I was grateful when my friend gave me a challenge to find something in Texas to take pictures of.
Honestly, I don't believe that Heavenly Father made a place on this Earth without beforehand thinking about it and how it would appear to be beautiful to at least one person. Some people like the soft white sand contrasted with the blue-green of the sea, or the blue blue skies against the purple mountains. Other people like rolling green hills, some, corn fields as far as the eye can see without a building in sight. Some people think the city is more beautiful to see than nature. While yet, there will still be people who love the starry night sky more than anything. If I, the master at finding beauty, can't find beauty in Texas (the state with the most people that would never leave if they had the chance) then it's a problem with me and the way I'm looking at it, and not the actual place.
Here are some pictures I took of the bluebonnets, capturing some of what Texans love about this place.

A very messed up panoramic of the field... I'll have to try again.

Also, you get to see a picture of me and my sweet baby brother.