Making Sunshine

I started this blog post and labeled it "Making Sunshine" over a year ago (September 2017) and I've been meaning to write it, obviously, since then. But just never quite got around to it.

You see, I've been studying the topic of joy and happiness for years now. I started about half way through my time as a missionary by studying the scriptures and highlighting and writing down every verse that mentioned joy or rejoicing. I also paid attention to any quotes or sayings about joy.

I have a notebook full of stuff about joy and happiness and rejoicing:

"Joy: a feeling of happiness; source of happiness" (Dictionary definition)"I have no greater joy than to see my children walk in truth" (3 John 1:4)"Adam fell that men might be and men are that they might have joy." (2 Nephi 2:25)"And it came to pass that we lived after the manner of happiness." (2 Nephi 5:27)"Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." (Abraham Lincoln)"God didn't design us to be sad. He created us to have joy!" (Dieter F. Uchtdorf)"Lift up your heads and rejoice, and put your trust in God." (Mosiah 7:19)
"Be of good cheer and do not fear..." (D&C 68:4)

And still, by the time I was done with my mission, I didn't have a great understanding of how to be a joyful person. Which was my goal. I learned that joy comes from the gospel, from Jesus Christ, from being grateful, from serving others. Outside of my scripture study, I learned that thinking positively would help me to be happy, that taking care of myself will bring me joy, so maybe taking bubble baths and reading uplifting books would do the trick.

I have always wanted to be like one of those people that you see whistling as they walk down the street smiling at everyone they see. Like Snow White or those old men walking through Central Park in movies or Pollyanna. I read The Happiness Advantage, I tested out the 5 things to do a day and only ever made it about a week. I read a blog post about how to be happier. And wrote down "Make your own Sunshine" and hung it up on my wall next to my bed among other quotes about choosing to be happy. I call it my happiness wall. (Other quotes on there: "I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." Philippians 4:11 and "Come what may and love it." Joseph B. Wirthlin)

I'm not saying that I'm an unhappy person and I don't have clinical depression or even postpartum depression. I just have never quite figured out how to turn myself into a person that walks down the street whistling and smiling everywhere I go.

So, I saved this blog post, because I was going figure out the key to happiness and then I was going to share with you how to make your own sunshine and how to choose to be happy. Well, it turns out, I still just don't quite know how to do that. I was explaining my predicament to Ryan and he told me that maybe I should write about how much harder it is than people make it seem. I want to be real and honest on this blog. The internet is full of so much fake "perfection" and I don't want my blog to be like that. I want it to be relate-able and honest and so I thought instead of writing "How to be happy" I will write "It's okay to not know how to be happy." It's okay if you aren't always smiling and if you don't walk down the street every day with a skip in your step singing "Zip a dee doo dah."

It is possible to find joy and all those things I listed DO bring joy, but joy just isn't going to be a constant in this life. There are going to be hard things, there is going to be sadness, there will be lonely nights and hopeless nights. There will be times when you wonder what the next day will bring.

What brought about me finally writing this post was a quote from someone else that made it all click for me. Here it is:

“I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that - I don’t mind people being happy - but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying “write down 3 things that made you happy today before you go to sleep”, and “cheer up” and “happiness is our birthright” and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position - it’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say “Quick! Move on! Cheer up!” I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word “happiness” and to replace it with the word “wholeness”. Ask yourself “is this contributing to my wholeness?” and if you’re having a bad day, it is. - Hugh MacKay

I think, starting today, I'm going to switch my search for joy into a search for wholeness. And if you've been struggling with the same thing, maybe you should too. :) 

This is a picture from about a year ago. Ryan took it when we went to Manti for the weekend. It was one of my favorite trips we ever took, but I was also super sick because of morning sickness. So, I feel like it fits this blog post nicely because this is my "I'm so tired of throwing up and feeling nauseous and tired, but I'm happy to be here" smile. 

Simple Joys

Yes, Rose is eating her cardigan in this picture. She likes chewing on her blanket but I guess her cardigan was just easier to get to at the moment. 

Lately, I've been trying REALLY hard to study my scriptures every day, and not just to read them every day, but to really study them, to pray before, to take notes, to write whatever comes to mind down, to think about what I read, to pay attention to what comes to mind, to talk about what I read, etc. One reason I'm putting so much emphasis on this is because lately I haven't felt as close to God as I did as a missionary. I was trying to figure out how to make Him a priority in my life again and one thing that came to mind was that I need to pay attention to tender mercies.

Here's my thought process:

The scriptures say to love God with all your heart, might, mind, and strength. > How do I love God with every part of me? > It's easier to love someone who loves  you. > How do I know that God loves me? > By the small things that show up and feel like they are just for me, the tender mercies from a loving Heavenly Father. > Tender mercies feel like they tie into simple joys (which is what I'll write about next.)

So, anyways, I've been working on this for a few weeks now, and it's not easy, but I've been making progress. Something that helped me today was this blog post about simple pleasures. These simple pleasures are the little joys in life that bring a smile to your face and warm your heart. Some of the examples were: the smell of snow, a room with a view, baby belly laughs, etc.

After reading that, I wanted to make a list of simple joys for me.

• When the sun sets just perfectly to turn the sky and the mountains a hazy pink.
• When Rose wakes up in the morning and gives me a sleepy smile, OR when I'm watching her sleep and she smiles a little dream smile.
• When Ryan rolls over in the morning to cuddle with me instead of getting an extra 10 minutes of comfortable sleep. 
• When I have a conversation with a friend that I don't replay in my head for the next week thinking about all the dumb things I said.
• When the sink is empty.
• When there is leftover dessert that I can eat for breakfast.
• When my shampoo and conditioner run out at the exact same time (this hasn't happened yet, but I am hoping that one day it will, and I'm sure it will be glorious and joyful when it does happen.)
• When Rose falls asleep in my arms and I have time to just let her stay there for a while.
• When a book ends exactly the way I was hoping it would.
• When I find a super duper cheesy dad joke to share with Ryan and he laughs because he thinks it's so dumb but then tells me how much he loves me despite my poor taste in jokes. 
• When I go to drink out of my water bottle and there is still water left in it.
• The days when I have a chance to call and talk to my mom for as long as I want. 
• When a baby curls their teensy hands around your finger.
• When you come up with the perfect gift to give to someone you care about.
• Getting a real letter in the mail instead of the regular credit card offers.
• When your favorite snack is on sale at the store for a great deal. (Last week, peanut butter cap'n crunch was on sale for 99 cents a box. I got four boxes.)
• When Ryan get home from work earlier than I thought he would. 
• Using candles instead of light bulbs.
• When Ryan offers to let me choose a romantic comedy for us to watch at night.
• When I actually know what movie quote Ryan is quoting for once. 
• When you actually finish everything on your to do list in a day and have time to sit and relax.
• Those times that Pandora plays songs that you actually want to listen to.
• When we go on long car drives and talk the whole way without running out of something to talk about or being distracted.
• When Ryan grabs me a snack in the gas station because he knows how much I love eating, even though gas station snacks are way overpriced.

Wow! That went on way longer than I thought. There are so many things to be happy about! I could go on forever, but I won't because that would be a ridiculously long blog post. However, I would definitely recommend sitting down and writing a list of the simple joys that you recognize in your life! 

Also, if you have any other good ideas for how to love the Lord with ALL your heart, might, mind, and strength, please share. 

And, thanks for bearing with me and reading my whole list. I hope it helped you to feel a little more joy and a little more loved, as it did for me.  

Hiking, Happiness, and Shamu

As of March 14, I will be 31 weeks along, which is kind of scary. I'm happy that school is nearing its end and I will be done forever and ever! But I am nervous about what hitting 40 weeks will entail. Birth, becoming a mom, medical bills, etc. That's a lot of big stuff all at once. Luckily, school is keeping me so busy that I don't really have a lot of time to worry about it, and hopefully in the 3 weeks between graduating and my due date I'll be able to find lots to do to continue to keep myself busy.

I'm not sure how other people take these pictures without
making their feet look so ridiculously puny... 

Out of nowhere, I got huge. I mean, I guess I'm still not gigantic or anything, but everyone now is making the comments like "Whoa! Your pregnant!" Yes, yes I am. I have been since August... but now I look pregnant... and FEEL pregnant. My rib has been popping in and out of place consistently for the last few weeks, it feels kind of bruised... but there isn't really anything I can do but keep popping it back in place. I'm having more trouble bending over to put on my shoes or pick things up, and I'm running out of shirts that are long and loose enough to cover my stomach. My lungs are useless these days. (The altitude doesn't help!) and my nose has been stuffy for a month now. Sometimes when I blow my nose my eyes get kind of spotty, and I see stars, my doctor said that it's nothing to worry about, but I now understand those cartoons!

This past week has been mostly just getting through school, but we did have some highlights. One is that it warmed up! I don't know how long it will last, and I don't trust Utah enough to start claiming that it is Spring, but it has been warm for THREE days now! AND the sun came out! I am in heaven! It was warm enough that on Sunday, Ryan and I were able to go on a hike! Most of the cool hiking spots are closed for the Winter still, so we just went to Rock Canyon, which is pretty close. Also, I am in no condition to go on any crazy hikes. I haven't exercised for 7 months, except walking from my car to campus and back, which definitely counts. Also, as I mentioned earlier, my lungs are pretty much useless these days, so we had to go slow, and we couldn't go far, but it has been ages since it has been warm enough or since I've felt good enough to go explore outside. So, we made it happen, and it was great. :)

We are very mature around here. ;)

Another fun story, which I actually should have written a few weeks ago, but forgot, is about flirting. :) One of my previous professors was having a Flirting 101 seminar type thing on campus a few weeks ago. I wasn't going to go at first, but she was one of my very favorite professors and she is so fun and has no filter and I just knew that Ryan would love her. On the flier it said that non-married AND married students should come, so I decided that we should do that for our date night! It was so fun! My very favorite part was when she was telling all the students that winking works, and then she told everyone to wink at her. I didn't, because if you know me, you probably know that I can NOT wink. Not even a little bit. I don't know how I ever captured Ryan's heart! Ryan, on the other hand, is an expert at winking. He's an expert flirt, but he only ever flirts with me (lucky me!), or old ladies. So, anyways, my professor asks everyone to practice their best wink, and we are sitting in the 2nd row, right in the middle, and she notices Ryan's expert wink. So she tells him that he has a great wink! (It's true!) and makes him stand up and wink at everyone so they can see what a good wink looks like. It was so funny, and luckily Ryan doesn't get embarrassed, so he did a great job. Another lucky thing is that I didn't have to stand up because I have this embarrassing talent of blushing not only for myself, but for other people, and my face was SO red. I'm a sympathy blusher, and if I had been in Ryan's place, I would have been so embarrassed! But he's perfect, so he gave a perfect wink, didn't blush one bit, and my face lit on fire. The end.

Just look at him! You can tell that he is an expert at flirting! I really don't know how I ever got him!

I think that's all I have to share from my week. Here are a couple of things that I read or watched this week that I think will help you to be happier. :)

This is a TED talk by Shawn Achor. He wrote the book "The Happiness Advantage," I've never finished it but it's super fascinating. His TED talk is super interesting:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXy__kBVq1M

Here is a funny article on how to train your husband. I decided to wait and use it on my children, I figure relationships work better when you are both honest and communicate with each other, rather than manipulating and training, but if you feel differently, here is something you could try out. :)
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html

And here is a sweet poem by Emily Dickinson that I heard in church on Sunday:

They might not need me—yet they might—

I’ll let my Heart be just in sight—

A smile so small as mine might be

Precisely their necessity—