Only A Mother Could Love

Lucy was blessed a few weeks ago and I finally got around to rereading the notes my sister took for me of the blessing which led to me reading Rose's baby blessing and then rereading my patriarchal blessing. And I had this epiphany moment. 

When you talk to your mom do you feel important? And talented? And beautiful? (I hope you do! If not, I hope you have someone else in your life that creates these feelings for you!) When I talk to my mom, I feel like an interesting person. She knows me almost better than anyone else, and I can tell that she is impressed at all of my small accomplishments. She gave birth to me and has been watching me grow and learn for 25 years. When I left on my mission in 2015, I was one of 22,000 other sister missionaries serving missions at the same time. To the world, the fact that I served a mission was not really that impressive; so many other girls were doing the exact same thing. But my mom on the other hand knew and understood what a big deal that decision was for me, she saw how incredible it was that I spent all day every day walking up to complete strangers and sharing my beliefs. 

There are so many other examples I could use here to try to get my point across but it kind of reminds me of that funny phrase "he/she has a face that only a mother could love." Which isn't exactly what I'm trying to get at, but mothers not only think that their children are the most beautiful creatures on earth, but they also can see how incredible and beautiful and important their children ACTUALLY are. Because they see their entire growth journey. 

Anyway, as I was reading through these blessings I have for Rose and Lucy, I was able to see a bit from my mom's perspective how she sees me, because I also see my daughters as these beautiful, wonderful, talented, little spirits who are capable of accomplishing so much in their lifetime. I'm blown away every single day at how much Rose has grown and learned over her short 2 years and a bit of life. I think she is fascinating and cute and smart and amazing. 

Back to the epiphany: I have been taught my whole life that I am a child of God and that He loves us unconditionally and knows us better than we know ourselves. I've read the quotes about how He chose the title of Father because it explains His role to us better than any other title. But I was able to see for a moment how He truly sees me and how He feels about me. And not only that but how He sees and feels about all the people around me. 

I guess this epiphany is kind of silly because everyone knows that we are supposed to remember that everyone is a child of God and that we should remember that every one we meet is someone else's son or daughter or brother or sister or mother or father. 

But I have a completely different perspective of what that means now that I am a mother of two beautiful little girls who have their whole lives ahead of them to do amazing things. 

So, here is your friendly reminder that everyone you meet is a child of an all-knowing, unconditionally loving Heavenly Father who has seen them learn to walk and talk and run and think and learn and feel joy, sorrow, anger, and frustration. 

But if that feels difficult to remember, just remember how you feel when you talk to your mom and try to remember that everyone else wants to feel that way too. 

Consider the Tulips

You know that scripture: "Consider the lilies of the field how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin...Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is and tomorrow is cast into the oven, even so will he clothe you, if ye are not of little faith. Therefore, take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? For your Heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God..." etc, etc.?

Well, today, I've been considering the tulips instead, because that's what I have in my yard, not lilies.

But, in all seriousness, (this blog post is going to be a little on the more serious side), I have not ACTUALLY been very good at considering the lilies lately.

I am an anxious person. I come from a long line of worriers. (Don't mistake that for warrior.) We worry. It's what we do. And I've noticed that since getting married and having a baby, my anxiety has just gotten more intense.

This world is a scary place, and I am SO good at jumping to the worst conclusions or worst possible outcome in any situation, I would call it a talent, but I don't know if that is exactly something to be proud of.

For instance, the intersection we live near has some serious road work being done, I'm not exactly sure what they are doing, but every couple minutes the entire house shakes...but yesterday I didn't realize it was coming from the road work. I was sitting in bed and the bed rumbled. Then a couple minutes later it happened again. Rose was taking a nap on the other side of the house and I thought, "Is this an earthquake?" and then I pictured that scene from A Cinderella Story, where her dad dies running from one side of the house to the other. My heart started beating faster and I was so worried that the big earthquake that Utah is overdue for was going to happen and I wouldn't be able to reach Rose. And Ryan was at work, so what would happen to him?! Would we all die, separated from each other, without ever having a chance to say goodbye? (I believe in life after death, but death still scares me and makes me sad.) Anyway, it wasn't an earthquake, but now I'm all freaked out about one ever happening.

Another example: the wind was going crazy outside the other day and the tree in front of our house is VERY tall and starting to rot. It really needs to come down, but we rent, so they don't really care too much about us and what we think about what the house needs. *insert eye roll* (That's a story for another time.) We were all hanging out in the living room, but Rose had wandered to another area of the house and Ryan and I were realizing that if the tree decided to fall over, it would crush the part of the house we were sitting in, but not Rose. So, obviously I made everyone get up and go to the other side of the house to spend the rest of the evening, because the very thought of Rose being left an orphan just makes me want to bawl.

Ryan calls these my irrational fears, but every one of them IS possible. Just I guess not super likely, but that's what everyone thinks until something horrible (but unlikely) happens! Like all the shootings that keep happening, we see them on the news but I feel like there is always a part of you that says "Well, that won't ever happen where I am." but it COULD.

Yesterday afternoon, someone was shot next door to where I live. It wasn't like the shootings that happen on the news, but someone died, and even though it wasn't aimed toward us and we weren't really ever in any danger, (or even aware it was happening when it did) it is still a scary event and I can't believe it happened!

It can be crippling to be a person in this world. Scary, unlikely things happen every. single. day. If I let myself, I could become paralyzed with fear every time I left my home, and honestly inside my home too. Ryan could get in an accident on the way to work, an earthquake could swallow our home, Rose could choke on her food or drown in the tub. Life is SCARY when you have a mind that works the way mine does. And I know I'm not the only person who thinks this way. Anxiety is a very real thing.

Today as I was praying and thinking about all this, and how difficult it is to be a Mom in this world, I re-remembered that Jesus Christ didn't just come to this earth and die to overcome sin. He died to overcome death. He died to overcome fear. He died to overcome pain and sorrow and anger and injustice and every other negative thing we can experience in this life. He is the PRINCE OF PEACE for crying out loud! But I can't just say "God, give me peace" when I allow myself to dwell on all the terrifying things this world has to offer. It's going to take work, and it's going to take some perspective changing. Christ offers us peace, but we have to have faith that He can truly give it to us. I need to stop allowing myself to become overwhelmed by the world and just accept that what happens is going to happen, but God loves ME. and He loves my family. And He will take care of us, I just need to trust in His plan and accept whatever it is that He sends my way.

This just happened today, so I'm obviously not saying that I have mastered this, because now the real work begins. But I wanted to share my thoughts in the hopes that maybe I could help someone else today too.

Don't let the world get you down. Let Christ lift you up, no matter what comes your way.

And if you have any tips for reaping in the PEACE the gospel brings, please share, I would really love to hear what works for you. For me, reading my scriptures every day helps me to keep my fear and anxiety to smaller degree.

Also, I hope you enjoy these photos I've taken of flowers this spring. If anything could give a person hope of good things to come, it's a beautiful spring in Utah, after a long snowy winter. 

More on Motherhood

I've been thinking a lot lately about motherhood. It's not easy. Some girls grow up loving babies and babysitting and playing with kids and touching pregnant bellies, and looking forward to the day that they get to have their own. I, on the other hand, wanted kids eventually, but I never really enjoyed babysitting or all of that stuff, and babies always seemed to cry when I held them. I was worried that the same thing would happen when I had my own. Luckily, God gives us this innate ability to love our own children and to know somewhat what to do to keep them alive and take care of them. But even then, becoming a mom is not the easiest thing in the world.

Before having Rose I was going to school, working, and spending quality time with my husband. I was busy. Life is so different when you become a stay at home mom. For a month, I felt like all I was doing was feeding her or changing diapers, but it still felt like I wasn't doing anything.

I read this story in the Book of Mormon (Alma 26: 26-37) that I had always thought of as a good section for missionaries to read. It talks about how these missionaries went out hoping to bring the light of the gospel to these wicked people. At first they experienced trials, pain, afflictions. They were thrown in jail, they were beat up, they were starved, people spit at them and made fun of them. God always delivered them, but it was still really difficult.

Up until after having Rose, if I had read this story I would have imagined my life as a missionary and how much I wanted to share the gospel with people who hadn't received it, and how much I wanted to bring the joy that I had into the lives of strangers. But this time around, it just so clearly fit into the mold of motherhood.

I've been trying so hard to find a job that allows me to use my degree and also be a mom at the same time, and it just isn't happening. I've been turned down for several jobs, and it is so hard for me to stay at home and feel like all I'm doing is watching a baby when I could be out working and helping to pay the bills and do something that feels more meaningful with my time. And don't get me wrong, I am SO grateful that I can stay home with my sweet baby and be here for her at every moment of the day, I know that many people can't afford to do what I'm doing, but it's still hard for me.

Anyway, to tie it into the scriptures, motherhood is a sacrifice. Ryan and I haven't had very much quality time together in ages. Rose won't take a bottle, so we can't get a babysitter and we just take her with us to all of our dates. We haven't been able to go to the temple. Every task I do takes twice as long because I have to comfort her or feed her right in the middle of it. Getting out the door takes forever because I have to feed her, change her, pack the diaper bag, make sure I have everything I need, and then get out the door. Instead of just "running a few quick errands" I have to make sure that whatever I need to do is baby accessible (for example: grocery shopping. I have to make sure I can fit her car seat in the cart as well as all the groceries.) Every time we visit family her schedule is completely thrown off and she cries in the middle of the night. I feel like I hardly do anything at all, and yet I'm exhausted and my body aches.

All of my friends are finishing up Master's Degrees and I can't even qualify for jobs that high school graduates can do.

Alma 26:30 says, "And we have suffered all manner of afflictions, and all this, that perhaps we might be the means of saving some soul; and we supposed that our joy would be full if perhaps we could be the means of saving some."

Giving up my worldly desires is rough. Giving up having money to spend on travel and dates, and nice food is rough. Giving up my time to go wherever I want, whenever I want is rough. Giving up my sleep and sometimes my sanity is rough.

BUT, I'm raising one of God's precious daughters. He trusted me to be her mom, to feed her, to change her diapers, to dress her, and also to teach her, to love her, and to protect her. I may not be out changing the world, but I'm raising a sweet little girl and teaching her to be a disciple of Christ. I'm laying down my life for a little while, so that I can help build the kingdom of God, one little baby at a time.

I know that God is mindful of mothers. He's right beside us, and in His mind, this is some of the most important work to be done on the Earth. It's lame that the world teaches us otherwise, but I'm grateful for this chance I have to be a mom.

"Now have we not reason to rejoice? ... There never were men that had so great reason to rejoice as we...my joy is carried away, even unto boasting in my God; for he has all power, all wisdom, and all understanding..." (Alma 26:35)

"We see that God is mindful of every people, whatsoever land they may be in; yea, he numbereth his people, and his bowels of mercy are over all the earth. Now this is my joy, and my great thanksgiving; yea, and I will give thanks unto my God forever. Amen." (Alma 26:37)