Fathers

I know Father's Day was two weeks ago, but is there ever a time that we shouldn't celebrate the important and meaningful people in our lives? I have been immensely blessed to be surrounded by really good men in my life and I wanted to write about them for you! We have plenty of bad men in the world, I hope this is a good reminder that there are good men too!

(Also, I know that an aesthetically pleasing blog post wouldn't have SO many pictures, but I just LOVE all of these photos and I already narrowed it down... TWICE... so you're just going to have to deal with the pictures that were left.)

I have a Dad who has always worked hard to provide for my family, who sets a good example to me of kindness and optimism, and who loves my Mom and all of us. He always does the right thing, even when it isn't the easiest thing. He is also the most grateful person I've ever met. While I was on my mission, he was going through chemotherapy and I remember getting emails from him about how he was just SO grateful for all of his blessings when I think it could have been really easy to not really feel that at the time.

I have a Father-in-Law who is steady and loyal and who taught my husband how to be a good man and to always look for ways to serve others. When Ryan was growing up they went to every single service opportunity their ward offered, even while he worked 2 jobs to provide for the family. And he is an awesome grandpa to Rose.

This is Ryan's dad with a baby Ryan! 

I have a husband who is wonderful in every way. He always strives to be better than the day before, he loves Rose and me to the ends of the earth, and he works really really really hard to provide for us while also going to school so we can have a better future. He is fiercely loyal to me and to those he cares about, he's kind to those who don't fit in, and he will drop anything to help someone in need. I fell in love with him while we were dating because every time we visited someone he would do their dishes. He's the best Dad to Rose, always willing to read her a book, spin her around, or give her a piece of chocolate when she points to the candy jar. She gets so excited every time she hears the door open when he comes home from work. I LOVE being his wife.

I have a grandpa who is a good example to me of quiet service. While he shows a grumpy exterior, he will always show up to help out, even when it is inconvenient. He is forever making gifts for people I would never even think to thank, like the mailman, doctors and nurses who he has met while in the hospital, and neighbors. He's a hard worker and one of my favorite people to sit and listen to as he tells stories.

Also, how cool does my grandpa look in this photo with my mom? 

I've had bishops and a mission president who saw my potential and always encouraged me to be my best self, while also always being willing to sit and talk to me when I needed guidance. They were busy men with a lot on their plate, but they always made me feel like I was important and as if they had all the time in the world to sit and listen to me. 

I am so grateful for the many good men in my life who make it easy to believe that I have a loving Father in Heaven who knows me, cares about me, and has my best interests in mind and to believe in a loving Savior who literally gave everything to save someone like me. 

This world seems to have a shortage of really good men, but here's a shout out to all of the good men I know, who have helped to shape me into the person I am today, and who give me hope for a wonderful future ahead.

Consider the Tulips

You know that scripture: "Consider the lilies of the field how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin...Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is and tomorrow is cast into the oven, even so will he clothe you, if ye are not of little faith. Therefore, take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? For your Heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God..." etc, etc.?

Well, today, I've been considering the tulips instead, because that's what I have in my yard, not lilies.

But, in all seriousness, (this blog post is going to be a little on the more serious side), I have not ACTUALLY been very good at considering the lilies lately.

I am an anxious person. I come from a long line of worriers. (Don't mistake that for warrior.) We worry. It's what we do. And I've noticed that since getting married and having a baby, my anxiety has just gotten more intense.

This world is a scary place, and I am SO good at jumping to the worst conclusions or worst possible outcome in any situation, I would call it a talent, but I don't know if that is exactly something to be proud of.

For instance, the intersection we live near has some serious road work being done, I'm not exactly sure what they are doing, but every couple minutes the entire house shakes...but yesterday I didn't realize it was coming from the road work. I was sitting in bed and the bed rumbled. Then a couple minutes later it happened again. Rose was taking a nap on the other side of the house and I thought, "Is this an earthquake?" and then I pictured that scene from A Cinderella Story, where her dad dies running from one side of the house to the other. My heart started beating faster and I was so worried that the big earthquake that Utah is overdue for was going to happen and I wouldn't be able to reach Rose. And Ryan was at work, so what would happen to him?! Would we all die, separated from each other, without ever having a chance to say goodbye? (I believe in life after death, but death still scares me and makes me sad.) Anyway, it wasn't an earthquake, but now I'm all freaked out about one ever happening.

Another example: the wind was going crazy outside the other day and the tree in front of our house is VERY tall and starting to rot. It really needs to come down, but we rent, so they don't really care too much about us and what we think about what the house needs. *insert eye roll* (That's a story for another time.) We were all hanging out in the living room, but Rose had wandered to another area of the house and Ryan and I were realizing that if the tree decided to fall over, it would crush the part of the house we were sitting in, but not Rose. So, obviously I made everyone get up and go to the other side of the house to spend the rest of the evening, because the very thought of Rose being left an orphan just makes me want to bawl.

Ryan calls these my irrational fears, but every one of them IS possible. Just I guess not super likely, but that's what everyone thinks until something horrible (but unlikely) happens! Like all the shootings that keep happening, we see them on the news but I feel like there is always a part of you that says "Well, that won't ever happen where I am." but it COULD.

Yesterday afternoon, someone was shot next door to where I live. It wasn't like the shootings that happen on the news, but someone died, and even though it wasn't aimed toward us and we weren't really ever in any danger, (or even aware it was happening when it did) it is still a scary event and I can't believe it happened!

It can be crippling to be a person in this world. Scary, unlikely things happen every. single. day. If I let myself, I could become paralyzed with fear every time I left my home, and honestly inside my home too. Ryan could get in an accident on the way to work, an earthquake could swallow our home, Rose could choke on her food or drown in the tub. Life is SCARY when you have a mind that works the way mine does. And I know I'm not the only person who thinks this way. Anxiety is a very real thing.

Today as I was praying and thinking about all this, and how difficult it is to be a Mom in this world, I re-remembered that Jesus Christ didn't just come to this earth and die to overcome sin. He died to overcome death. He died to overcome fear. He died to overcome pain and sorrow and anger and injustice and every other negative thing we can experience in this life. He is the PRINCE OF PEACE for crying out loud! But I can't just say "God, give me peace" when I allow myself to dwell on all the terrifying things this world has to offer. It's going to take work, and it's going to take some perspective changing. Christ offers us peace, but we have to have faith that He can truly give it to us. I need to stop allowing myself to become overwhelmed by the world and just accept that what happens is going to happen, but God loves ME. and He loves my family. And He will take care of us, I just need to trust in His plan and accept whatever it is that He sends my way.

This just happened today, so I'm obviously not saying that I have mastered this, because now the real work begins. But I wanted to share my thoughts in the hopes that maybe I could help someone else today too.

Don't let the world get you down. Let Christ lift you up, no matter what comes your way.

And if you have any tips for reaping in the PEACE the gospel brings, please share, I would really love to hear what works for you. For me, reading my scriptures every day helps me to keep my fear and anxiety to smaller degree.

Also, I hope you enjoy these photos I've taken of flowers this spring. If anything could give a person hope of good things to come, it's a beautiful spring in Utah, after a long snowy winter. 

A Monday Kind of Monday

Today was the Monday-est of Mondays I've had in a long time.

First of all, it was gloomy outside.

Second, Monday is laundry day (and I HAD to get it done because I didn't do laundry last week.... It is incredible how much laundry a small family of 3 can produce over a 2 week period...)

I got home from work at 6:30 am, and went to bed, but didn't sleep super great and woke up around 10 am (maybe 10:30). Rose normally takes a nap at 11, but I feel so bad putting her down for a nap at 11 when I don't get her out of bed until 10:30 on the days after I've worked, so I waited to put her down for a nap. However, we had an eye doctor appointment and laundry to get done, so I tried to put her down for a nap and it didn't work very well at all. She slept for about 45 minutes and I didn't get to sleep at all.

When she woke up, we ate lunch as quickly as possible (well, I did, she just played with her food and spit it out when I put it in her mouth. sigh.) and then lugged all our laundry to the laundromat. We were already running behind schedule so we threw the laundry in the washers as fast as possible and then headed right back to the car to head to the eye doctor.

Rose has a blocked tear duct so she always has a leaky eye. The purpose of this appointment was to determine the best route for treating it. What I thought would take at most 30 minutes, ended up being over an hour. And at this point we were nearing the window of time for Rose to take her second nap (aka my second opportunity to catch up on sleep before coming back to work tonight.) We rushed back to the laundromat, switched our laundry to the dryers (and said a prayer of thanks that our laundry wasn't stolen...is that an irrational worry? Laundromats just seem so sketchy to me! But I guess I can't see someone wanting to steal loads of soggy laundry...). We had one last errand to run before heading home so I tried to get it done while our clothes were in the dryer. I needed to print a shipping label and mail a package before tomorrow so I drove to my brother's apartment to use his printer, then we drove to FedEx to mail our package, and then we drove back to the laundromat to pull our laundry out. We then lugged our heavy bag of laundry to the car (picture me, holding a baby in one arm and a large and poorly designed laundry bag in he other, laundry right now is DEFINITELY my least favorite chore.) and FINALLY got to go home.

We left the house at 2 pm, and didn't get home until after 5 pm. I was hoping to be home for 3:30 pm, so obviously my calculations of how long running errands would take were incorrect. By then it was too late to put Rose down for a nap if I wanted her to go to bed on time (so I could get to work on time) so the two of us just sleepily and grumpily stumbled through the rest of the day until Ryan got home. (Oh, and if you are wondering, I added it up and I buckled Rose in and out of her car seat 14 times today. So, if I disappear for a while it's because I am unwilling to leave the house or use that car seat any time soon.)

I wasn't the nicest wife to Ryan when he got home. However, lately, I've been trying to focus on the Savior in my studies of the scriptures, and especially this week as we lead up to Easter Sunday I want to focus on His Atonement and sacrifice for us.

I was going to title this blog post "What The Atonement Has to do with Mondays". And so, if you are wondering, I'm just going to say that I am grateful that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we get second chances whenever we need them. I had a gloomy and grumpy day and I took that out on Ryan, but tomorrow is a new day to try to be like Jesus, to show appreciation for His Gift to us, and to try again. His sacrifice isn't just for the really big mistakes we make, it's for the daily little ones too. And I'm so glad that I can start over every minute of every day if I need to to try to be more of the person He wants me to be.

Also, I'm so grateful for a husband who loves me even when I'm a grump and a baby who forgives me for leaving her in her crib a little too long two mornings a week. I am SO blessed.

Ashes and an Anniversary

Today is our TWO YEAR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY! Phew! We made it this far! ;)

It's only been 2 years but I look at this picture and I think "Babies!" We look so small!

I think I'll write another blog post tomorrow about what we did to celebrate our wedding anniversary, but I've been wanting to write about something else for a couple of years now and I've been waiting to write about it around our anniversary. 

Around the time we got engaged, we were trying to figure out all of our wedding plans. My parents lived in Texas, but my extended family all live in Northern Utah and Idaho (and Florida part of the year). Ryan's dad at the time lived in Southern Utah, and all of his extended family lived in Central Utah and Alaska. Figuring out the best and most convenient temple to get sealed in was a little difficult. 

One night, we were walking around the Provo City Center temple (because I was living in Provo going to BYU) and I told Ryan that I wanted to get sealed here. 

The story behind the Provo City Center Temple is SO cool to me. 

Before it was a temple, it was a beautiful, historic tabernacle that caught on fire and was destroyed. The outside was able to be preserved and from the inside out it was turned into a temple, a sacred house of the Lord. 

When I stood outside of the temple with Ryan thinking about marrying him, I knew I wanted it to be this temple because of it's story, it was a perfect fit for us. The tabernacle was beautiful. It was a great building with great purpose, but something happened and it burned down. It can be hard to see something so wonderful turn into something so awful, but God always has bigger plans that we can't always understand. He knew that the tabernacle was done with it's time just being a tabernacle, it needed to be destroyed so it could be rebuilt as something with greater purpose. 

It reminds me of that CS Lewis quote:

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

Before meeting Ryan, it felt like Heavenly Father was messing up my plans and getting in my way. I made mistakes and I felt pain because of them. I went through my refiners fire, and so did Ryan. It took a lot of banging and bruising and wrong paths and right ones. Bad choices and good choices. I never wanted to serve a mission, but Heavenly Father pushed me in that direction. Ryan had his own struggles but was pushed in that direction as well. Sometimes it blows my mind all the tiny little details that went into Ryan and I meeting. Heavenly Father knows us so well.

I just feel like I had no idea what wonderful and beautiful plans God had in store for me, or what plans He has for my future still.

I love this picture because it's right as we are walking out of the doors of the temple after getting married, and look, Jesus is standing right behind us holding a lamb. I just think it is so symbolic of how He is looking out for us, and our marriage/family. 

When the tabernacle caught on fire, some people were upset that God would let something so horrible happen, but they had no idea that it would turn into the most beautiful and best temple in the world (in my totally unbiased opinion...) Now, it's a place where families can be sealed together forever, and I am SO SO grateful for that blessing.

Any opportunities to share my wedding pictures are opportunities I will take! This one is my very favorite.

Happy 2 years to us! I can't wait to see what the rest of eternity will bring.

#SOblessed

More on Motherhood

I've been thinking a lot lately about motherhood. It's not easy. Some girls grow up loving babies and babysitting and playing with kids and touching pregnant bellies, and looking forward to the day that they get to have their own. I, on the other hand, wanted kids eventually, but I never really enjoyed babysitting or all of that stuff, and babies always seemed to cry when I held them. I was worried that the same thing would happen when I had my own. Luckily, God gives us this innate ability to love our own children and to know somewhat what to do to keep them alive and take care of them. But even then, becoming a mom is not the easiest thing in the world.

Before having Rose I was going to school, working, and spending quality time with my husband. I was busy. Life is so different when you become a stay at home mom. For a month, I felt like all I was doing was feeding her or changing diapers, but it still felt like I wasn't doing anything.

I read this story in the Book of Mormon (Alma 26: 26-37) that I had always thought of as a good section for missionaries to read. It talks about how these missionaries went out hoping to bring the light of the gospel to these wicked people. At first they experienced trials, pain, afflictions. They were thrown in jail, they were beat up, they were starved, people spit at them and made fun of them. God always delivered them, but it was still really difficult.

Up until after having Rose, if I had read this story I would have imagined my life as a missionary and how much I wanted to share the gospel with people who hadn't received it, and how much I wanted to bring the joy that I had into the lives of strangers. But this time around, it just so clearly fit into the mold of motherhood.

I've been trying so hard to find a job that allows me to use my degree and also be a mom at the same time, and it just isn't happening. I've been turned down for several jobs, and it is so hard for me to stay at home and feel like all I'm doing is watching a baby when I could be out working and helping to pay the bills and do something that feels more meaningful with my time. And don't get me wrong, I am SO grateful that I can stay home with my sweet baby and be here for her at every moment of the day, I know that many people can't afford to do what I'm doing, but it's still hard for me.

Anyway, to tie it into the scriptures, motherhood is a sacrifice. Ryan and I haven't had very much quality time together in ages. Rose won't take a bottle, so we can't get a babysitter and we just take her with us to all of our dates. We haven't been able to go to the temple. Every task I do takes twice as long because I have to comfort her or feed her right in the middle of it. Getting out the door takes forever because I have to feed her, change her, pack the diaper bag, make sure I have everything I need, and then get out the door. Instead of just "running a few quick errands" I have to make sure that whatever I need to do is baby accessible (for example: grocery shopping. I have to make sure I can fit her car seat in the cart as well as all the groceries.) Every time we visit family her schedule is completely thrown off and she cries in the middle of the night. I feel like I hardly do anything at all, and yet I'm exhausted and my body aches.

All of my friends are finishing up Master's Degrees and I can't even qualify for jobs that high school graduates can do.

Alma 26:30 says, "And we have suffered all manner of afflictions, and all this, that perhaps we might be the means of saving some soul; and we supposed that our joy would be full if perhaps we could be the means of saving some."

Giving up my worldly desires is rough. Giving up having money to spend on travel and dates, and nice food is rough. Giving up my time to go wherever I want, whenever I want is rough. Giving up my sleep and sometimes my sanity is rough.

BUT, I'm raising one of God's precious daughters. He trusted me to be her mom, to feed her, to change her diapers, to dress her, and also to teach her, to love her, and to protect her. I may not be out changing the world, but I'm raising a sweet little girl and teaching her to be a disciple of Christ. I'm laying down my life for a little while, so that I can help build the kingdom of God, one little baby at a time.

I know that God is mindful of mothers. He's right beside us, and in His mind, this is some of the most important work to be done on the Earth. It's lame that the world teaches us otherwise, but I'm grateful for this chance I have to be a mom.

"Now have we not reason to rejoice? ... There never were men that had so great reason to rejoice as we...my joy is carried away, even unto boasting in my God; for he has all power, all wisdom, and all understanding..." (Alma 26:35)

"We see that God is mindful of every people, whatsoever land they may be in; yea, he numbereth his people, and his bowels of mercy are over all the earth. Now this is my joy, and my great thanksgiving; yea, and I will give thanks unto my God forever. Amen." (Alma 26:37)

Simple Joys

Yes, Rose is eating her cardigan in this picture. She likes chewing on her blanket but I guess her cardigan was just easier to get to at the moment. 

Lately, I've been trying REALLY hard to study my scriptures every day, and not just to read them every day, but to really study them, to pray before, to take notes, to write whatever comes to mind down, to think about what I read, to pay attention to what comes to mind, to talk about what I read, etc. One reason I'm putting so much emphasis on this is because lately I haven't felt as close to God as I did as a missionary. I was trying to figure out how to make Him a priority in my life again and one thing that came to mind was that I need to pay attention to tender mercies.

Here's my thought process:

The scriptures say to love God with all your heart, might, mind, and strength. > How do I love God with every part of me? > It's easier to love someone who loves  you. > How do I know that God loves me? > By the small things that show up and feel like they are just for me, the tender mercies from a loving Heavenly Father. > Tender mercies feel like they tie into simple joys (which is what I'll write about next.)

So, anyways, I've been working on this for a few weeks now, and it's not easy, but I've been making progress. Something that helped me today was this blog post about simple pleasures. These simple pleasures are the little joys in life that bring a smile to your face and warm your heart. Some of the examples were: the smell of snow, a room with a view, baby belly laughs, etc.

After reading that, I wanted to make a list of simple joys for me.

• When the sun sets just perfectly to turn the sky and the mountains a hazy pink.
• When Rose wakes up in the morning and gives me a sleepy smile, OR when I'm watching her sleep and she smiles a little dream smile.
• When Ryan rolls over in the morning to cuddle with me instead of getting an extra 10 minutes of comfortable sleep. 
• When I have a conversation with a friend that I don't replay in my head for the next week thinking about all the dumb things I said.
• When the sink is empty.
• When there is leftover dessert that I can eat for breakfast.
• When my shampoo and conditioner run out at the exact same time (this hasn't happened yet, but I am hoping that one day it will, and I'm sure it will be glorious and joyful when it does happen.)
• When Rose falls asleep in my arms and I have time to just let her stay there for a while.
• When a book ends exactly the way I was hoping it would.
• When I find a super duper cheesy dad joke to share with Ryan and he laughs because he thinks it's so dumb but then tells me how much he loves me despite my poor taste in jokes. 
• When I go to drink out of my water bottle and there is still water left in it.
• The days when I have a chance to call and talk to my mom for as long as I want. 
• When a baby curls their teensy hands around your finger.
• When you come up with the perfect gift to give to someone you care about.
• Getting a real letter in the mail instead of the regular credit card offers.
• When your favorite snack is on sale at the store for a great deal. (Last week, peanut butter cap'n crunch was on sale for 99 cents a box. I got four boxes.)
• When Ryan get home from work earlier than I thought he would. 
• Using candles instead of light bulbs.
• When Ryan offers to let me choose a romantic comedy for us to watch at night.
• When I actually know what movie quote Ryan is quoting for once. 
• When you actually finish everything on your to do list in a day and have time to sit and relax.
• Those times that Pandora plays songs that you actually want to listen to.
• When we go on long car drives and talk the whole way without running out of something to talk about or being distracted.
• When Ryan grabs me a snack in the gas station because he knows how much I love eating, even though gas station snacks are way overpriced.

Wow! That went on way longer than I thought. There are so many things to be happy about! I could go on forever, but I won't because that would be a ridiculously long blog post. However, I would definitely recommend sitting down and writing a list of the simple joys that you recognize in your life! 

Also, if you have any other good ideas for how to love the Lord with ALL your heart, might, mind, and strength, please share. 

And, thanks for bearing with me and reading my whole list. I hope it helped you to feel a little more joy and a little more loved, as it did for me.  

Giving Birth and the Atonement

Before my mission and during my mission I had no problem sharing my testimony or having conversations about Jesus Christ and His Atonement. It was one of my very favorite topics. However, life has been busy and a little stressful and I have found that I don't think about it or talk about it much anymore. I want to be better about that, so here are a few spiritual insights I've gained in the last month or so.

Even though I'm new to this whole mom thing, I have started to notice whisperings of the Spirit comparing my experience as a mother to the way Heavenly Father feels about us and helping me to understand gospel truths a little bit better.

A few nights before I gave birth to Rose, Ryan gave me a blessing because I was crying uncontrollably and terrified about what I was about to go through. I was REALLY hoping that in my blessing I would hear something like "You aren't going to feel any pain." or "This will be a piece of cake" or "You have absolutely nothing to worry about." However, the older I get, the more I realize that life just doesn't often work out that way.

Heavenly Father loves us and doesn't like to see us go through pain and suffering, but He knows that it is for our good. I was told that through my experience of giving birth, something that has always scared me, I would gain just a small understanding of what the Savior went through.

I wanted to have Rose in my life, and I want to have more children after her, but being pregnant isn't easy and willingly going into the hospital knowing that a painful process lies ahead of me isn't easy either. It's scary. And as much as I wished I could just not go through it, there was no other way to bring Rose into the world. I know that birth is nothing actually compared to the Savior's sacrifice for us, but I willingly went through something really difficult for me to bring my sweet new baby here.

As much as I wanted Heavenly Father to take that pain away from me, there is no way I would go back and choose not to have experienced it.

It's hard to explain this in a way that makes sense outside of my head, but I'm just grateful to have a Savior that chose to experience so much pain to make it possible for us to be saved and to live the lives that we have. I'm grateful that He willingly took our pains and our sorrows and our sins and paid the price for all of them, rather than giving up. And I'm grateful that God loves me enough to have given me a chance to remember my Savior, while I was going through something that was really difficult and scary for me, to ease my fears and to feel comforted and loved.

One other thought that came to my mind the other day while I was comforting Rose. She was crying because I left her alone so she could take a nap, but she just kept going on and on and I realized that helping her to know I loved her and that I was there was more important in that moment than making sure she got a nap. I went and picked her up and whispered to her that I was there and that it was okay until she calmed down. And for just a small moment, I was reminded that God does that for us, even when we don't always realize it, He's here, He is always here for us to comfort us when we are inconsolable and when life is scary or when we feel alone.

I feel so blessed to be a mom. I'm only a little ways into it, but already the experience is totally worth it.

Another Baby Bump Post

Here's another baby bump post. As you can see I am starting to actually look pregnant. So, that's good. Most of my ward doesn't know that I'm pregnant, and it would be awkward to just show up one of these days with a baby. But it is starting to look like I'll look pregnant for a little while before that happens. :)

School started again this week. I have decided that I will call this chapter of my life "Walking a Lot with a Heavy Backpack." Somehow, no matter how strategically I try to park my car, I still end up walking a million miles all over campus up hill all the ways. The air is thin here, and I have a hard time breathing. It's rough.

Yesterday, this was the path that I walked. For a pregnant person with a heavy backpack, it's even harder, okay? So, if you don't think it's a lot of walking just take it back and agree with me. And then commiserate with me that they don't have pregnant person parking on campus.

Number 1 is where I parked. Number 2 is where my first class was. Number 3 is where I walked to take a midterm. (By the way, I am already half way finished with my online Doctrine and Covenants class, which I am pretty proud of because I started over Winter break.) And Number 4 is when I walked ALLLLLLLLLLLLL the way from number 3 back to where I parked. I just looked it up, and I guess it's a mile one way. (I looked at it in walking so it even went diagonally the way I walked so I'd say it's pretty accurate. So, I walked 2 miles yesterday. Just to get around campus. And if you aren't impressed than you should be!)

Anyways, so that was just one day, but I feel like this is how my week has gone so far, and it is what I imagine the rest of my semester will be like as well.

Um, other information to update ya'll on.... the baby is healthy and kicking. Kicking a lot. Normally very persistently when I'm in a class and trying to focus. Or, when I have to go to the bathroom she kicks my bladder.

My pregnancy brain is settling in nicely. I accidentally almost stole a book from a store recently. Ryan and I were in a used book store looking for books to add to our collection. We found this beautiful old book that we were considering buying. Ryan was looking at a few more books and then I realized that I needed to go to the bathroom...like RIGHT away. (You know how it goes.) So, I told him that we needed to leave and we walked out to go find a bathroom, and then he was talking to me and looked down and noticed that I was still holding that book that we had been thinking about buying, and he said "You still have the book!" and I freaked out and ran back into the store to put it back. And then we found a bathroom. So, pregnancy has turned me into a thief.

Most of the other things that happen are just dumb embarrassing things like not being able to remember any words anymore. For instance, I asked if it snew somewhere. (The past tense of snow. Even now, my blog writing thing is telling me that "snew" is not a word." But for a second, I thought it was. Nope.

Other things that happen to me because I'm pregnant:

- Strange nightmares, I was in World War II the other night and it had an alternative ending. The Germans were winning and I was about to be killed by a bomb, but I woke up just in time. I also had a dream about scary clowns that killed people. (I have purposely NEVER even watched any of those movies because I knew it would scare me and yet, here I am having nightmares about it!)
- I started to enjoy bananas this week. If you know me, you know that I hate bananas. But they taste good to me this week, so I guess my body is telling me that I need more potassium.
- I cry while I'm driving fairly often because I imagine how sad it would be if I died in a car accident and Ryan was left by himself, or the other way around.

One last thing that you will be happy to know is that I went grocery shopping the other day and food actually sounded good to me. That hasn't happened since September. Things are looking up. :)

It's going to be a crazy semester and I'm a little worried about how Ryan and I will handle all of it, me with my 20 credits of classes, a growing belly, and lots of walking, and Ryan with his full-time job, full-time school work and an anatomy class. But last semester one of my teachers told us that:

"Two [or in this case, three] people can do anything as long as one of them is the Lord."

And I'm counting on that. 

I'm also so grateful to have so many sources of inspiration and hope from church leaders like President Thomas S. Monson who passed away last week, people have been quoting him all week, and the one that has made me think the most, has been to "find joy in the journey--now."

This year, that's what I will be working on, finding joy in the journey. It will make surviving school a little bit easier I think. I'll let you know how it goes. :)

PS. A little side note, Ryan and I saved up for months to buy me a new camera so that I could take better pictures when I have photography jobs. One of the super duper cool features on it is that it can be hooked up through wi-fi to my phone. I have this nifty app that makes it so I can see through the lens on my app and change the settings and take these pictures! So, it's like the ULTIMATE selfie camera! I can change the ISO, aperture, shutter speed, etc and then move my phone out of the picture and take the photo with no one the wiser... except that I just told you because I think it is SO cool! 

Moving Mountains

I have been thinking about this blog post for about 2 months now. Waiting for the right time to share it.
NOW IS THAT TIME AND I AM SO EXCITED!

If you had asked me 15 years ago, 10 years ago, 2 years ago, or 2 months ago if I was planning on serving a mission I would have said "Heck no!" or maybe a milder "Um, no, I don't think so..." or "Right now, the answer is no."

The idea of ME on a mission wasn't even a thing. It was not ever something I wanted to do, not even for a minute.

I do not like trying new food, I do not like talking to strangers, I did not have a super strong testimony, I do not know how to learn languages, I am not very fit, I am not very tough, and I am not very strong.


But, two months ago, Heavenly Father started working on me and changing my attitude. He showed me for a second that I could actually be a missionary. He only gave me a super duper teensy glimpse. But it was enough to make me think. The more I thought about it, the more my attitude towards serving a mission changed.

"Imagine all the good you could do, Kinsey! There are people in this world who DON'T KNOW that there is a loving Heavenly Father up there in Heaven just waiting to pour blessings on them if only they had faith. There are people that do not know they can pray to Heavenly Father for anything, about anything, to ask anything. They do not know that they can feel peace in the hardest times, that they can be happy in this devastating world, that they can feel love when they make mistakes. They do not know that a man came to Earth 2000 years ago to DIE for them. He literally came to Earth to sacrifice Himself so that every man and woman on Earth could find peace, could be comforted, could feel loved, and could be saved. There are people somewhere on this planet waiting for YOU, Kinsey! They need YOU and YOUR testimony. They need YOU to teach them the gospel."

So, surprise! I am going on a mission.

By the way, here is where I'm going:
"Dear Sister Warburton,
You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the Washington Tacoma Mission. It is anticipated that you will serve for a period of 18 months.
You should report to the Provo Missionary Training Center on Wednesday, February 4, 2015. You will prepare to teach the gospel in the English language"

Testimony

This year at BYU I have grown so much spiritually, mentally, and socially. 

I have also gained confidence and self-esteem. 

With all of that growth, I made it my goal to bear my testimony on the last Fast and Testimony meeting of my first year at BYU. 

Every Fast and Testimony meeting before that, I start to think about my goal and I start to panic. Public speaking is NOT my specialty. 

It terrifies me. 

For months, I've planned to do this, and every time I think about it I start to get knots in my stomach, and have a little bit of a harder time breathing.

It's been worse lately because tomorrow is the day that I need to bear my testimony. 

(AHHHHH so stressful!)

But anyways, I think it would be easier to do if I write my testimony on here first. 

It won't be very eloquent, I'm not very good with words, but it's all I've got. 

So, here I go.

Before coming to BYU I didn't really have a testimony. 

I felt a little bit lost all through high school and I ended up coming to BYU not knowing what I truly believed. 

Everything has changed since then. 

Coming to BYU probably saved my life. 

If I've learned anything since coming here it's that my Heavenly Father loves me so much. 

He loves me no matter what I've done, He loves me when I stumble, He loves me when I fall, He loves me when I mess up over and over and over again doing the same things. 

He loves me when I make mistakes and He loves me unconditionally. 

There is not a single thing I could do to make Him not love me.

I know that my Heavenly Father wants me to be happy. 

I know that he blesses me so much more than I even realize or recognize. 

Even though I don't appreciate the things He does for me as much as I always should, He continues to bless me with a beautiful Earth, with an amazing ward, with fantastic friends, family, and roommates.

I know that this church is true. 

I know that the gospel is true. 

I know that my Savior died on the cross for me, to give me second chances. 

I know that Jesus Christ lives, and that He knows what I go through.

I know that He knows me, He knows everything about me. 

He knows when I am sad, or mad, or happy. 

He knows what I love and what my passions are. 

He knows what my struggles are and understands how I feel.

I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet, and while I don't know every single detail about church history, I believe that he saw Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. 

I know that he translated the Book of Mormon so that I could read it and have a testimony of Jesus Christ and of past prophets.

I know that I don't need to worry about the future too much. 

I know that if I do what I'm supposed to do, follow the commandments, and listen to the guidance that the Holy Ghost gives me I will be okay. 

I will be taken care of and everything will be alright. 

I just need to trust in my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

There are so many things that I know now, but I'm going to stop there. 

My testimony is very simple, but a testimony doesn't have to be amazing and eloquent and good enough to put in a magazine or a book. 

It just has to be what I feel, and I these things are what I feel. 

I'm so grateful for all that I have learned and the knowledge I have gained since coming here to BYU.

I love this church, and the gospel. 

I love my Savior and my Father in Heaven, I would be lost without them.

I'm still really nervous about tomorrow, but I know that Heavenly Father will give me the strength to accomplish my goals.