Making Sunshine

I started this blog post and labeled it "Making Sunshine" over a year ago (September 2017) and I've been meaning to write it, obviously, since then. But just never quite got around to it.

You see, I've been studying the topic of joy and happiness for years now. I started about half way through my time as a missionary by studying the scriptures and highlighting and writing down every verse that mentioned joy or rejoicing. I also paid attention to any quotes or sayings about joy.

I have a notebook full of stuff about joy and happiness and rejoicing:

"Joy: a feeling of happiness; source of happiness" (Dictionary definition)"I have no greater joy than to see my children walk in truth" (3 John 1:4)"Adam fell that men might be and men are that they might have joy." (2 Nephi 2:25)"And it came to pass that we lived after the manner of happiness." (2 Nephi 5:27)"Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." (Abraham Lincoln)"God didn't design us to be sad. He created us to have joy!" (Dieter F. Uchtdorf)"Lift up your heads and rejoice, and put your trust in God." (Mosiah 7:19)
"Be of good cheer and do not fear..." (D&C 68:4)

And still, by the time I was done with my mission, I didn't have a great understanding of how to be a joyful person. Which was my goal. I learned that joy comes from the gospel, from Jesus Christ, from being grateful, from serving others. Outside of my scripture study, I learned that thinking positively would help me to be happy, that taking care of myself will bring me joy, so maybe taking bubble baths and reading uplifting books would do the trick.

I have always wanted to be like one of those people that you see whistling as they walk down the street smiling at everyone they see. Like Snow White or those old men walking through Central Park in movies or Pollyanna. I read The Happiness Advantage, I tested out the 5 things to do a day and only ever made it about a week. I read a blog post about how to be happier. And wrote down "Make your own Sunshine" and hung it up on my wall next to my bed among other quotes about choosing to be happy. I call it my happiness wall. (Other quotes on there: "I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." Philippians 4:11 and "Come what may and love it." Joseph B. Wirthlin)

I'm not saying that I'm an unhappy person and I don't have clinical depression or even postpartum depression. I just have never quite figured out how to turn myself into a person that walks down the street whistling and smiling everywhere I go.

So, I saved this blog post, because I was going figure out the key to happiness and then I was going to share with you how to make your own sunshine and how to choose to be happy. Well, it turns out, I still just don't quite know how to do that. I was explaining my predicament to Ryan and he told me that maybe I should write about how much harder it is than people make it seem. I want to be real and honest on this blog. The internet is full of so much fake "perfection" and I don't want my blog to be like that. I want it to be relate-able and honest and so I thought instead of writing "How to be happy" I will write "It's okay to not know how to be happy." It's okay if you aren't always smiling and if you don't walk down the street every day with a skip in your step singing "Zip a dee doo dah."

It is possible to find joy and all those things I listed DO bring joy, but joy just isn't going to be a constant in this life. There are going to be hard things, there is going to be sadness, there will be lonely nights and hopeless nights. There will be times when you wonder what the next day will bring.

What brought about me finally writing this post was a quote from someone else that made it all click for me. Here it is:

“I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that - I don’t mind people being happy - but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying “write down 3 things that made you happy today before you go to sleep”, and “cheer up” and “happiness is our birthright” and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position - it’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say “Quick! Move on! Cheer up!” I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word “happiness” and to replace it with the word “wholeness”. Ask yourself “is this contributing to my wholeness?” and if you’re having a bad day, it is. - Hugh MacKay

I think, starting today, I'm going to switch my search for joy into a search for wholeness. And if you've been struggling with the same thing, maybe you should too. :) 

This is a picture from about a year ago. Ryan took it when we went to Manti for the weekend. It was one of my favorite trips we ever took, but I was also super sick because of morning sickness. So, I feel like it fits this blog post nicely because this is my "I'm so tired of throwing up and feeling nauseous and tired, but I'm happy to be here" smile. 

Rose is FIVE Months Old

Can you believe it? Rose has been on the earth (outside of the womb) for FIVE whole months now! I can barely believe it! We ADORE her.

Things about Rose:

- She is figuring out that she can roll over whenever she wants. She does it in her sleep. I tried to take her blanket away so she wouldn't suffocate, but then she was just M A D for 3 nights in a row, so I gave it back. Now, when I pray at night, I pray that she won't suffocate in her sleep, because I don't know how else to help her to fall asleep.

- She is a charmer. Smiling at everyone. She's pretty much the cutest little baby ever. I love love love her smile.

- She learned a new sound, it's very high pitched and squeal-y. It's her favorite sound to use now. On Sunday, she decided to "talk" away for all three hours. (Luckily, we moved into a ward with LOTS of babies.)

- She loves things that she can grab onto. Her blanket, these little crinkly baby books, the wipes, my hair, etc. She hasn't quite gotten control of her teeny tiny hands, so she struggles to get them where she wants, but once she realizes she has something in her hands she clasps it super tight and won't let go.

- She loves when her dad kisses her, his beard tickles her and makes her laugh.

- She prefers to be held up so she can stand and look at things. She gets awfully offended when I put her down on her back.

- She can sense when I'm getting myself food in the kitchen, because there is no rest for moms who want to eat. (How dare I stop feeding her to eat something myself?!)

We honestly just can't get enough of her. She is so sweet and excited about life and it is so exciting to watch her learn and grow. I love the giant smile she gives me every morning when I pick her up from her crib, the way she clings to my finger when she's feeling sad. I can't stand how adorable and little and innocent she looks in her footy pajamas. Her eyes are big and beautiful and perfect (and getting a little bit of brown in them). And the hair on her head is getting longer and fuzzier. She thinks it's hilarious to pee when I start to change her diaper. I'm sure she knows exactly what she is doing because she laughs every time.

Last night, we took her to Rowley's Red Barn Fall Festival. I wanted pictures of Rose for her first Fall. (I may have cried a little when we got there and I was so excited to take pictures with my nice camera, only to realize that I left my SD card at home plugged into my laptop. D: #mombrain ) But, I still got some great pictures of her, Ryan, and me on my phone.

How cute is this hat that Ryan's aunt made for her???

She was very interested in the hay. 

I love this picture! It cracks me up!

The corn was also VERY exciting stuff. 

Our family outing just wore her right out! She fell right to sleep on the hayride back to our car. 

I can hear her happy squeaking from her room now, the princess has awoken from her nap. So, I'll just end this blog post here.

Call Me Crazy...

First of all, here are some pretty darn cute pictures of Rose:

How cute is she in these adorable socks? It all of a sudden turned into Winter overnight and I wanted her to have nice warm feet. I just can't get enough of her in them!

Second of all, it's amazing how much can change in a week! Just last week I wrote a blog post about how I can't find a job and how hard it is to be rejected, and now I've decided to apply for graduate school. Surprise!

Here's what happened.

Nothing really, I've just been trying to figure out how to spend my time, how to stay productive, and how to best help our family succeed. So, I was looking and looking and looking for a job and it just wasn't working out.

So, then it occurred to me that if I want to go back to school (and I did, eventually, want to go back to school), that it would be better to do it now with just one kid than later when I have however many I'm going to have. I also am realizing that my motivation to try hard things is disappearing the longer I stay inside and avoid going out and doing anything. If I wait for 15 years to go back to school, I may be too afraid to try.

I loved studying about families in my undergraduate, and ultimately I would LOVE to be able to help families as a therapist or family life instructor, so I decided to apply for BYU's Marriage and Family Therapy Graduate program. It's kind of funny because I've been so bummed by all of my job rejections, and here I am applying to a program that only takes 9-12 students A YEAR (with 80-90 applicants...) but with this, if I get it, it's a HUGE opportunity and honor. If I don't get in, it's not just me, it's me and 80 other students, who are pretty smart, not getting in, so I won't be alone. Plus, then I'll just accept that I'm going to be a stay at home mom, and that's not a bad gig (staying home, playing with my kids, making cookies, and not worrying about homework or due dates or tests doesn't sound so bad.)

So, I went from looking for a job to diligently studying for the GRE for 2-3 hours every day while Rose naps and studying/teaching Rose college level vocab words while she eats. (I'm hoping her first word will be something crazy like "superfluous" or something. haha.)

I have 3 weeks until my GRE and 6 weeks until applications for the program are due. So, wish me luck and pray for me if you'd like! :)

Other things going on in our lives? There isn't much else. Rose and I went to the laundromat for the first time the other day:

I'm not really a big fan of this chore... and can anyone explain to me why they have such GIGANTIC dryers if it will only dry teeny tiny amounts of laundry at a time? What's up with that??? Also, I love coins and it hurts a little for every quarter I give away to them. :'(

Here is a cute picture of Rose dressed up for church. Our new church building is pretty awesome! It's ALSO old and we sat on the BALCONY during sacrament meeting. (The kid in front of us had toys and paper airplanes that I kept hoping he would let loose over the balcony, but he didn't. It would have been funny to watch.) How darling is Rose in this cute headband? Her head is finally big enough for it to stay on. :)

Because I am a terrible mother, I put Rose's pants on her head and just laughed and laughed. She didn't seem to mind, and I just think she is so dang cute!

And last, but not least, here are pictures of Rose with my grandpa and grandma and a beautiful sunset as we drove back home from Brigham City last weekend.

More on Motherhood

I've been thinking a lot lately about motherhood. It's not easy. Some girls grow up loving babies and babysitting and playing with kids and touching pregnant bellies, and looking forward to the day that they get to have their own. I, on the other hand, wanted kids eventually, but I never really enjoyed babysitting or all of that stuff, and babies always seemed to cry when I held them. I was worried that the same thing would happen when I had my own. Luckily, God gives us this innate ability to love our own children and to know somewhat what to do to keep them alive and take care of them. But even then, becoming a mom is not the easiest thing in the world.

Before having Rose I was going to school, working, and spending quality time with my husband. I was busy. Life is so different when you become a stay at home mom. For a month, I felt like all I was doing was feeding her or changing diapers, but it still felt like I wasn't doing anything.

I read this story in the Book of Mormon (Alma 26: 26-37) that I had always thought of as a good section for missionaries to read. It talks about how these missionaries went out hoping to bring the light of the gospel to these wicked people. At first they experienced trials, pain, afflictions. They were thrown in jail, they were beat up, they were starved, people spit at them and made fun of them. God always delivered them, but it was still really difficult.

Up until after having Rose, if I had read this story I would have imagined my life as a missionary and how much I wanted to share the gospel with people who hadn't received it, and how much I wanted to bring the joy that I had into the lives of strangers. But this time around, it just so clearly fit into the mold of motherhood.

I've been trying so hard to find a job that allows me to use my degree and also be a mom at the same time, and it just isn't happening. I've been turned down for several jobs, and it is so hard for me to stay at home and feel like all I'm doing is watching a baby when I could be out working and helping to pay the bills and do something that feels more meaningful with my time. And don't get me wrong, I am SO grateful that I can stay home with my sweet baby and be here for her at every moment of the day, I know that many people can't afford to do what I'm doing, but it's still hard for me.

Anyway, to tie it into the scriptures, motherhood is a sacrifice. Ryan and I haven't had very much quality time together in ages. Rose won't take a bottle, so we can't get a babysitter and we just take her with us to all of our dates. We haven't been able to go to the temple. Every task I do takes twice as long because I have to comfort her or feed her right in the middle of it. Getting out the door takes forever because I have to feed her, change her, pack the diaper bag, make sure I have everything I need, and then get out the door. Instead of just "running a few quick errands" I have to make sure that whatever I need to do is baby accessible (for example: grocery shopping. I have to make sure I can fit her car seat in the cart as well as all the groceries.) Every time we visit family her schedule is completely thrown off and she cries in the middle of the night. I feel like I hardly do anything at all, and yet I'm exhausted and my body aches.

All of my friends are finishing up Master's Degrees and I can't even qualify for jobs that high school graduates can do.

Alma 26:30 says, "And we have suffered all manner of afflictions, and all this, that perhaps we might be the means of saving some soul; and we supposed that our joy would be full if perhaps we could be the means of saving some."

Giving up my worldly desires is rough. Giving up having money to spend on travel and dates, and nice food is rough. Giving up my time to go wherever I want, whenever I want is rough. Giving up my sleep and sometimes my sanity is rough.

BUT, I'm raising one of God's precious daughters. He trusted me to be her mom, to feed her, to change her diapers, to dress her, and also to teach her, to love her, and to protect her. I may not be out changing the world, but I'm raising a sweet little girl and teaching her to be a disciple of Christ. I'm laying down my life for a little while, so that I can help build the kingdom of God, one little baby at a time.

I know that God is mindful of mothers. He's right beside us, and in His mind, this is some of the most important work to be done on the Earth. It's lame that the world teaches us otherwise, but I'm grateful for this chance I have to be a mom.

"Now have we not reason to rejoice? ... There never were men that had so great reason to rejoice as we...my joy is carried away, even unto boasting in my God; for he has all power, all wisdom, and all understanding..." (Alma 26:35)

"We see that God is mindful of every people, whatsoever land they may be in; yea, he numbereth his people, and his bowels of mercy are over all the earth. Now this is my joy, and my great thanksgiving; yea, and I will give thanks unto my God forever. Amen." (Alma 26:37)

Bloom Where You're Planted

The last few weeks have been a little overwhelming. We decided to move to a bigger apartment. In the course of two weeks we applied for several apartments, went to a few open houses, looked at a million different apartments for rent online, and then finally, last Monday found one we liked that we could also afford. We filled out the applications on Monday, got approved for the apartment on Wednesday, packed all of our belongings Wednesday and Thursday, moved on Friday, and cleaned our old apartment on Saturday and Sunday.

Apartment hunting and then moving is awful!

But we are here, and all we have left to do is unpack everything.

We've loved our first home as a married couple and we are so sad to leave it. If there was a way to just add a bedroom for Rose onto it, we would have done that, but we've had too many late/sleepless nights to stay there for much longer.

We now live in the top floor of an old old house (it looks haunted from the outside, and I'm pretty sure the bottom floor is empty). ((Perfect for Halloween, except I won't let Ryan decorate it extra creepy, because I don't like creepy/scary Halloween. Sorry Ryan.))

But, the inside is more cheerful. :) It has such charming windows and pretty hardwood floors. There is a little bit of stained glass in our bedroom and in one of the bathrooms there is a claw foot bathtub!

This door leads onto a small balcony that's off our living room. 

There are a few issues with the new apartment.

For one, our kitchen is teeny tiny. Our table for four won't fit in it, so we are trying to get rid of that. I'll also have to adjust to having very little counter space, and a little oven.

Another thing, we have a little rickety staircase, with two turns, that leads up to our apartment. Just getting our smaller furniture into the apartment was difficult. We were already planning on getting rid of our couch, but now we aren't sure we'll be able to get ANY couch up those stairs. So, any suggestions on other (cheap) seating arrangements for a living room are welcome.

You may have noticed that the title of this blog post is "Bloom Where You're Planted." I am super bad at doing this. It took me almost a year to really feel comfortable and useful in our last ward. I also never really got around to decorating our apartment the way I wanted it.

This time around, I am determined to make this apartment one that I enjoy being in. I'm also determined to make friends quicker and to start being a part of the ward as soon as possible.

All in all, I'm super excited about our new apartment, and I will continue to post pictures as we progress in the decorating process, we already bought two rugs, which is huge for us! It took us 4 months to find a table when we first got married.

Lucky for us, even though it will probably take some effort for me to "bloom where I'm planted", I have a sweet little Rose that is blooming wherever she goes. (Except for right now, as she is crying out to me because I've been trying to get her to take a nap for the last two hours. This is my 3rd attempt. The little stinker.)