Snapshots & Sunshine: June 2018

Before my mission and during my mission I had no problem sharing my testimony or having conversations about Jesus Christ and His Atonement. It was one of my very favorite topics. However, life has been busy and a little stressful and I have found that I don't think about it or talk about it much anymore. I want to be better about that, so here are a few spiritual insights I've gained in the last month or so.

Even though I'm new to this whole mom thing, I have started to notice whisperings of the Spirit comparing my experience as a mother to the way Heavenly Father feels about us and helping me to understand gospel truths a little bit better.

A few nights before I gave birth to Rose, Ryan gave me a blessing because I was crying uncontrollably and terrified about what I was about to go through. I was REALLY hoping that in my blessing I would hear something like "You aren't going to feel any pain." or "This will be a piece of cake" or "You have absolutely nothing to worry about." However, the older I get, the more I realize that life just doesn't often work out that way.

Heavenly Father loves us and doesn't like to see us go through pain and suffering, but He knows that it is for our good. I was told that through my experience of giving birth, something that has always scared me, I would gain just a small understanding of what the Savior went through.

I wanted to have Rose in my life, and I want to have more children after her, but being pregnant isn't easy and willingly going into the hospital knowing that a painful process lies ahead of me isn't easy either. It's scary. And as much as I wished I could just not go through it, there was no other way to bring Rose into the world. I know that birth is nothing actually compared to the Savior's sacrifice for us, but I willingly went through something really difficult for me to bring my sweet new baby here.

As much as I wanted Heavenly Father to take that pain away from me, there is no way I would go back and choose not to have experienced it.

It's hard to explain this in a way that makes sense outside of my head, but I'm just grateful to have a Savior that chose to experience so much pain to make it possible for us to be saved and to live the lives that we have. I'm grateful that He willingly took our pains and our sorrows and our sins and paid the price for all of them, rather than giving up. And I'm grateful that God loves me enough to have given me a chance to remember my Savior, while I was going through something that was really difficult and scary for me, to ease my fears and to feel comforted and loved.

One other thought that came to my mind the other day while I was comforting Rose. She was crying because I left her alone so she could take a nap, but she just kept going on and on and I realized that helping her to know I loved her and that I was there was more important in that moment than making sure she got a nap. I went and picked her up and whispered to her that I was there and that it was okay until she calmed down. And for just a small moment, I was reminded that God does that for us, even when we don't always realize it, He's here, He is always here for us to comfort us when we are inconsolable and when life is scary or when we feel alone.

I feel so blessed to be a mom. I'm only a little ways into it, but already the experience is totally worth it.

I've been pretty bad at updating my blog lately, but I do think I have a decent excuse. Three weeks ago we welcomed a new addition to our family. I'm going to introduce the newest and cutest member of the family and share her birth story, because, according to my mom, people like those kinds of blog posts.

Rose Adalyn

7 1bs 9 oz

20 inches

Rose, being mine and Ryan's daughter, is turning out to be quite stubborn. She seemed quite content to stay inside me for as long as possible. My stay in the hospital ended up being MUCH longer than I expected because she was so stubborn. Lucky for me, that will make this blog update pretty easy because I was planning on just going to the hospital and then once she was born I would post a picture on Instagram so that people would know she was here. Because it took so long, I felt like I should post occasionally to keep my family and close friends updated on what was going on and why it was taking so long. (Also, I was in bed for a long time so I was bored OUT OF MY MIND and posting on Instagram gave me something to do.)

Anyways, here we go!

First of all, here is a picture of me on my due date:

Due Date: May 16, 2018

I have always been terrified of birth. Even as a kid I had decided that I would just adopt kids so I wouldn't have to go through the birth process. It's always scared me... a lot. I had to really block out a lot of my anxieties throughout the last 9 months so that I wouldn't have a complete break down or panic attack. I made sure to not watch any birth videos, or look up anything about epidural needles or google how painful the process is. Some people do really well when they know everything that is going to happen, but in my case, ignorance is bliss.

On my due date, I went in for a check up and my cervix hadn't really dilated much and I still hadn't had an contractions. My doctor told me that if the baby didn't come by 41 weeks that I would need to be induced. I was really really hoping my body would go into labor on its own before that, but as I got closer to May 23rd, my body didn't make any changes. So, like a lamb to the slaughter (I had this song stuck in my head all day the day I checked into the hospital.) Ryan and I went to the hospital Tuesday night at 8 pm. I kind of assumed they would induce me when I got there, but I was actually there for a "cervical ripening". Which is uncomfortable. Just so you know. They put it next to your cervix to soften it and help your body along with moving towards labor. For the first two hours it's in, you aren't allowed to get up from the bed. After two hours you can get up but it has to stay in for 12 hours. Also, they say you can get up, but you have to stay hooked up to all these machines AND you're still 9 months pregnant. So, I was in the hospital bed with a blood pressure thing on my left arm. (Do those stress anyone else out?) an IV in my right arm (needles also stress me out), and then two monitor things attached to my stomach which are pressure sensitive, so I couldn't rest my arms on my stomach. My first update on Instagram came at about 4 AM Wednesday morning because I was 6 hours into the Cervidil and I couldn't sleep because I was super uncomfortable and the Cervidil made my contractions start. Here is update number one:

kinseyyelizabethThis is really a terrible picture, but there is only so much you can do from a hospital bed. Update: (probably tmi, this is mostly for family and close friends so I don’t have to explain to everyone) today is my 41 week mark, my body is stubborn so, so far there were no signs of labor. My doctor had me come in to the hospital last night to monitor the baby and to convince my body to start prepping for labor, (they call it cervical ripening how unpleasant does that sound?). Ryan tells me I’m a trooper because literally all of my least favorite things are happening all at once (starting with checking my blood pressure, which always stresses me out, then an iv which is even scarier, and then an invasive procedure that I won’t discuss on here because nobody needs that much information). Also, I have to lay in bed for 12 hours and my body is starting to have contractions, which turns out are not pleasant. I tried to sleep until 4 am, and then Ryan decided to ask the nurses for something to help me sleep. So I got some pain medicine and about 2 hours of sleep and less pain. Anyways, all this to say, if I told you I was being induced tonight, I mislead you, I will probably be induced sometime after 10:30 am, and then the baby will make her appearance hopefully within a couple of hours. (Prayers that it won’t be a crazy long labor would be much appreciated, because I have been in this hospital bed for too long already.) I don’t really feel like a trooper because this isn’t even supposed to be the bad part, but hospitals and pain are just not my thing. Anyways, enjoy my way too much information update and look out for a baby later on tonight. :)

So, there you go, that's the first night, I was uncomfortable and bored, but eventually the nurses gave me some Fentanyl, which makes you a little loopy and takes some of the discomfort away and made it possible for me to sleep. I am so grateful for Ryan because I wasn't willing to ask the nurses if there was anything that would help me sleep or feel more comfortable because I didn't want to bother anyone, but he asked them for me. :)

Wednesday morning, the nurses took the Cervidil out and checked my cervix again. It was really a bummer to find out that my cervix hadn't dilated at all in the 12 hours I had the Cervidil in. I thought for sure that it would have dilated at least a little bit because I'd been having contractions all night. Despite that, my doctor wanted to induce me anyways, so the nurses prepared to give me Pitocin. Because I have the lowest pain tolerance ever the nurse suggested I get the epidural before, and I was really glad she did because it made Wednesday much easier than I think it would have been otherwise. I have also spent my life terrified of getting an epidural, so that was a scary hurdle to cross as well. Not only that, but the anesthesiologist believes in walking you through everything that he is doing and telling you everything that could go wrong. (He was really nice and friendly, but like I said, ignorance is bliss for me, and I do better when I don't know all that could go wrong.)

Here's update #2:

Notice the barf bag from when I threw up the one bite of food I had for breakfast, and my poor husband sleeping in the back because he was up all night with me.

kinseyyelizabethUpdate #2: I finally got the Pitocin around noonish. I’m a big baby so they suggested I get an epidural before (Did I mention that hospitals and needles and pain scare me?) but I’ll have you know that I’ve only cried like 5 times today haha Ryan is a champ. My body is being really rebellious today, while I’m not feeling any pain from all the contractions I’m having, I have thrown up twice today. Also, I’m still not dilated past 1 cm. Looks like it’s going to be a long long night, we’ve already been in the hospital for 16 hours. Who knows when this baby will decide to make her arrival.

Update #3: I figured I would be having a baby by this time, but it wasn't meant to be.

kinseyyelizabethJust dreaming of the day I can be unplugged from all this stuff! I wasn’t planning on doing another update until the baby was born but she is still taking her sweet time and I’m supposed to be resting right now, but that’s all I’ve been doing all day so here is update #3: Around 6:30 this evening, my doctor arrived at the hospital after having spent the day delivering 5 other babies. (Busy day!) my cervix was finally just barely dilated to a 2 (It only took 20 hours). So, he broke my water, which was obviously a big part of the problem because instantly my cervix dilated to a 3 (hooray!) He was expecting/hoping that from there out I would dilate one cm an hour, but this little girl definitely likes to take her time. So, it is now 11:30 pm and last they checked I was 5 cm dilated (which is more progress than my body has made all day, so it’s good but still only half way). I figured at about this time I’d be able to introduce you to the newest addition of our family, but it looks like she isn’t quite yet ready. I’m still not in much pain, so it’s really not so bad, but I can’t wait to be unhooked from these machines, to be able to lay flat on my back, and to eat food. (Ice chips aren’t super filling and that’s all I’ve been able to eat since 11 am, and any food I tried to eat before that got thrown up, so I guess I technically haven’t eaten since 6 pm yesterday. Eating is one of my hobbies so feel free to feel sorry for me 😉 Just kidding, I really am doing fine, just bored). Anyways, any day now we’ll have a baby. Hopefully soon.

Update #4: By this point I was so done with that hospital bed and all those dumb needles and machines and things. I had never thought about how uncomfortable the rest of the birth process was. At this point I had an epidural hooked up to my back, an IV to my arm, the blood pressure cuff to my other arm (Which, after this update was moved to my leg, and you'll see why.) a catheter, something to monitor the baby's heart rate and another to monitor my contractions on my stomach. Also, my legs were numb, I kept sliding down on the bed, and I was still 9 months pregnant. Oh, by the way, because of that you aren't supposed to lay flat on your back, so they roll up a towel and stick it under one side of your back so you are slightly elevated to one side the whole time. Sigh. Anyways, back to my Instagram update...

I told Ryan my hand reminded me of Aunt Marge from Harry Potter.

kinseyyelizabethI believe that this is the last update before baby’s arrival :) Around 1 or 2 AM I realized that my arm with the IV in it was super swollen, so I guess the liquid had been just going into my hands instead of the bloodstream (gross!) So I ended up having to get an IV put in my left hand. :( It was rough, but Ryan is good at telling me how amazing and tough he thinks I am (needles are tough for me, and I was really grateful that I hadn’t had to have an IV in my hand.) My cervix dilated veeerrryyyy slowly all night long, but I also had some pretty painful contractions. Around 5:45 AM I got some extra pain medicine to help with that, but it numbed the bottom half of my body entirely ( I can’t lift my left leg one bit) and when I woke up this morning the nurse came in to check and found that I am FINALLY fully dilated (of course that was an hour after my total numbing medicine). So, anyways, I will begin the process of getting the baby totally out pretty soon, any and all the prayers will be appreciated at this point. I’ve covered almost all of the scary things except this one last scary part. We’ll see how it goes.

So, originally, my first IV was in my right arm, which was unpleasant, but I was really glad it didn't have to go into my hand, because that is what I was expecting and the idea of a needle just sitting in my hand for hours just sounds really awful. Then this happened, and they had to switch the IV to my other arm, (My entire arm was swollen like my hand in the picture.) Unfortunately, the veins in my left arm are not as cooperative as the veins in my right, so the nurse had to put the needle into my hand. (If I kept tally of all the times I cried in this 36 hour period, there would be a lot of tally marks... I really appreciate that the nurses didn't make me feel dumb.) It didn't work the first time so they had to poke my hand veins TWICE! :'(

Other unpleasant events during Wednesday night: my anesthesia bag ran out before a couple of painful contractions, and then once that was fixed, my contractions got to where the anesthesia wasn't really dulling the pain, THAT is when I asked for the extra anesthesia and the guy came in and gave me that extra dose that just made the entire bottom half of my body completely useless.

I thought the pushing/delivery part of birth would be the worst/hardest part. (Movies always show women screaming in agony and breaking their husbands hands at this part. Those are probably the women that don't get epidurals.) I was super worried and I told the nurse that. (Debbie at the hospital is my very favorite nurse. We went through like 20, but she was my favorite one.) She was like "What? You don't need to worry about that part at all! You can't even feel anything!" and she was right! (I have officially jumped onto the epidural supporter bandwagon.) Out of everything that happened while we were at the hospital, the pushing part was probably the easiest part. (Who would've thought??) I think I pushed for about an hour, maybe and hour and a half but it didn't feel like very long and I took breaks. Ryan and the Nurse helped me, and my doctor got the baby out.

She was stubborn, apparently her head kept almost coming out and then it would slip right back under my pelvic bone. Then once her head was out the doctor joked that it seemed like she was holding on for dear life with her feet. (She's got seriously strong legs and grippy toes so I wouldn't be surprised if she really was holding on to my pelvis with her feet.) Getting her to agree to come out is what took the longest, but eventually she let go and the cutest, most stubborn baby to ever come into the world was born. (I'm only a little biased...)

Straight out of the womb. The nurses told Ryan to take this picture. She looks a little vampire like here.

We stayed in the hospital for 2 more days, and by then we were definitely ready to get out of there. Five days in a hospital room (actually two hospital rooms) is too much for us.

I'll write another blog post to share more pictures of what Rose looks like now that she is almost a month old. (How is that even possible???) But here are some more pictures of her from her first few days of life.