A Blog Post Written at 4 AM

It's 4 AM right now, and I am sitting at a desk in the Residential Treatment Center I now work at. My one and only job is to stay awake from 10 PM to 8 AM. It is seriously difficult. In fact, if this blog post turns out as complete gibberish, you'll know why.

I started my new job 2 weeks ago, but last Saturday night I had my very first night shift.

I'm not kidding when I say that my only job is to stay awake. All the kids are sleeping, so we just have to make sure no one runs away or does anything they're not supposed to. Otherwise, we just sit and stay awake. (Or try with all our might....)

My first night was REALLY difficult. I've never worked a 10 shift OR a night shift, so it has definitely been an adjustment.

Luckily, I only work 3 nights a week and I work them all in a row, so I have 3 rough days with little sleep, and then 4 days with normal amounts of sleep.

I also have the BEST baby in the whole world because when I get home in the mornings I feed her and then put her back to bed and every single day that I worked last week, she slept for an entire 4 hours! (Which is a first for her!) She is the sweetest baby in the whole wide world, and I love her for that. I'm normally pretty good on low amounts of sleep, and 4 hours feels like plenty. Especially because I only expected 2 hours of time that she would let me sleep.

Thanksgiving just came and went this past week, and I am so grateful for all the normal things: Ryan, Rose, our family, our home, food, chocolate, etc. But this year, I am extra grateful for a few other things.

1) All the people that have helped me out so much as I've applied for and been trained for this job. I don't know anyone close by who has the time to watch a baby for several hours, yet I've had help from so many people who have stepped up and sacrificed time they needed to do homework, work, or just relax from their extra busy lives. Last weekend, Ryan was out of town and I was especially stressed about my first night of work and what I would do with Rose since we would both be gone. Two friends that are going to BYU willingly came over and had a sleepover at my apartment so that they could be here when Rose woke up, which meant SO much to me.

2) I'm so so so grateful to have found a job that doesn't take away my time with Rose. She has no idea that I'm gone all night, and I am so grateful that I'm not missing any moments with her during the day.

3) I'm grateful for all the opportunities I have to learn and grow and pursue my dreams. I don't know if I'll get into the Master's program at BYU but studying for and taking the GRE reminded me that I like to learn and that I'm not dumb. Getting this job makes me feel useful and gives me something to do that's my own.

4) I am so grateful for the 4 nights that I get to sleep. I have most definitely taken for granted how wonderful sleeping at night in a warm, comfortable bed next to a loving husband is.

5) This doesn't have anything to do with the other ones, but I'm grateful to not be pregnant this Fall and to not have morning sickness. Fall last year was pretty much ruined by that... and I'm so glad I can eat food without throwing up!

6) I already mentioned this, but I will always be so so so grateful for Ryan, for his support and for how much he loves me. Normally before I leave for work, I feed Rose into a coma, put her to bed and then don't have to worry about her waking up until at least 7 am. Tonight, Rose wouldn't eat, and was wide awake and I didn't know what to do because I had to leave for work. Ryan told me not to worry about it and that he would take care of it. I'm not sure how it went, because I'm still at work, but I can't imagine that she was happy to go to bed in a way that's different from her norm. It takes a really awesome husband to say "Hey, don't worry about it. I'll take this baby and potentially not get any sleep tonight because she hasn't been fed. We'll be alright. Go on, and don't give it anymore thought!" He's the best. :)

It's about 4:30 am now, and I almost fell asleep and I almost accidentally pushed on the little red 'x' at the top of the screen. That would be rough. Enjoy your sleep! Don't take advantage of it!

A Life Update

Before I get into the update, look at how cute and Fall-ish our apartment looks with all these mini pumpkins and gourds that our friends gave us!

Do you like the drawing? I did that! :) (This has nothing to do with our Fall decorations, I'm just proud of the way it turned out.)

This one looks like a swan to me. 

Okay! That's all my little pumpkins and gourds!

Here's the update!

So, I decided to apply for the Marriage and Family Therapy Master's program at BYU. It's a bit more involved of a process than I thought when I originally decided to do it. But, I'm really excited with how things are going, and I think I have a chance at getting in!

I studied diligently for the GRE for the last month. I had to relearn a ton of basic math principles. And I learned a bunch of new words like "superfluous" and "querulous". I took the test on Wednesday and HOLY COW that test sure is draining. There are 2 writing sections, 2 math sections, 2 verbal sections, and then one extra either math or verbal. Each section is about 30-35 minutes and there is a 10 minute break in between the 3rd and 4th section.

This was the longest I've ever been away from Rose AND the longest Ryan has ever spent with just Rose. I was a little worried about how it would go, but they turned out alright! It was a little nice to feel validated though, because Ryan now understands how difficult it is to get housework done when you have a baby. Screaming babies aren't as difficult to ignore as he seemed to think. ;)

I don't know the official scores for my test yet, BUT the estimated score was ONE point above what I needed to be considered for the program! Hallelujah and thank goodness! Because I do NOT want to take that test again!

That was one step for the application process. The other is that my professors suggested I get clinical experience so I am better qualified for the MFT program. For that, I've been looking for a job at a residential treatment center.

Unfortunately, Ryan pays the bills by working full time but he is also going to school so my responsibility is to watch Rose. Which leaves very little availability for me when looking for a job.

I found a residential treatment center that has a night shift availability and I got the job! I'll be working on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday nights from 10 pm to 7 am. Which will be tough, BUT it's experience working with people AND it's a little extra money to help Ryan out. I'm a little nervous about the whole work at night, entertain Rose during the day thing, but I'm also really excited about it and I'm so glad that I'm not losing any of my time with Rose to do it!

I feel like all those jobs I got turned down for were just leading me in this direction. I'm not sure if I'll get into the program or not, but even if I don't, I feel pretty accomplished having successfully taken the GRE and finally being qualified for a job that is something more along what I'm interested in. It seems like God is leading me in some direction, we'll just have to wait and see where it leads.

On Being Intentional

I have all sorts of things that I want to write about, but one thing is more important than the rest, so everything else will just have to wait. (keep posted for a discussion about my job applications and GRE test in a later blog post...)

Two years ago today, Donald Trump was elected as president. (Don't worry, this isn't a political post, so don't get your hopes up/get out your pitchforks.) 

Do you want to know what else happened two years ago today?? Ryan and I got engaged! Which is SO much more exciting than election stuff! 

November 8th, 2016 

Funny story, last night I wanted to go get a delicious dessert somewhere, but we also wanted to eat dinner and not be outside anymore, so Ryan told me we could go get a delicious dessert tonight instead. Later, I said "Oh this is perfect! It makes way more sense to get something yummy tomorrow night than tonight! Do you know what tomorrow night is?" and Ryan said "It's the November 7th, the anniversary of when we got engaged, I'm not stupid!" and I said "Tomorrow's the 8th." and he then he swore. So close. 

Anyways, it's fun to be married. It's not always easy, but it's the best decision I have ever made. 

This week I've been thinking about what it means to be intentional in my relationships with others, particularly with Ryan and Rose. It can be so easy to let life pass you by. I can waste an entire hour sitting on my phone, and only partially paying attention to Rose, or I can let a whole day go by without giving Ryan a kiss. Sometimes we get caught up in all there is to get done, that we forget to just be together and build our relationships with each other. 

Spencer W. Kimball said, "If one is forever seeking the interests, comforts, and happiness of the other, the love found in courtship and cemented in marriage will grow into mighty proportions. Many couples permit their marriages to become stale and their love to grow cold like old bread or worn-out jokes or cold gravy. Certainly the foods most vital for love are consideration, kindness, thoughtfulness, concern, expressions of affection, embraces of appreciation, admiration, pride, companionship, confidence, faith, partnership, equality, and dependence."

I don't want to go on and on and on, but this week I've been really trying to seek the interests of Ryan, to think intentionally about what I can do to serve him. On Saturday, I decided to surprise him by bringing him lunch at work, and he totally lit up. It was such a small thing, but it made me feel so good to be the reason for that smile on his face. 

So, I suppose my little piece of advice would be to be intentional this week. Love the people you're with and make sure that they actually know how much you care about them. Even if it's something small. 


PS. Enjoy our family pictures that we tried to get before all the colorful leaves fell. (We were too late, but the pictures turned out cute anyway.) 

Happy Halloween!

I cannot WAIT until Ryan is done with school and can work hours where he gets to celebrate all the holidays with us! Including Halloween! However, this year is not that year and so Rose and I had to celebrate Halloween mostly by ourselves.

I had these grand plans for us to dress up together and then pass out candy on the front porch. Then I was going to roast some pumpkin seeds for the first time and snack on them while watching Return to Halloweentown until Ryan got home around 11 pm.

What my Halloween REALLY looked like though:

- Studying for the GRE (which I'm taking in 3 days by the way. And the nail biting begins...)
- Running to drop off our rent.
- Realizing that the sun goes down sooner and I have WAY less time to find myself a costume that matches Rose's and take cute pictures than I thought.
- Rushing home squeezing into my ballet clothes from when I took an Intro to Ballet class at BYU 4 years ago. Finding another shirt to put on TOP of that because... nursing. Putting Rose's cute little ballerina outfit on her.
- Lugging Rose, my camera, a tripod, and a blanket out into the cold, cruel, but also photogenic outside.
- Realizing I need my phone to take the pictures, so lugging all that BACK upstairs (because you can't leave an expensive camera and a priceless baby outside by themselves without panicking about all the thieves and kidnappers there are in Provo...are there any?)
- Taking pictures of a grumpy grumpy ballerina who is NOT pleased to be wearing a tank top in the cold weather. (You have to suffer for beauty, Rose. Sorry, but that's what my mom taught me and I have to pass it down.)
- Stepping down on an acorn and bruising the bottom of my foot while lugging everything back inside.
- Changing back into normal clothes, because I just don't make a good ballerina, and feeding the grumpy baby.
- While I was feeding Rose, we got our first trick or treater, so I put her down (to her extreme displeasure) to run down the stairs, and give candy to them. When I came back upstairs to my screaming baby, I was walking on the front of my foot (because the back of it hurt) and got a splinter from the hardwood floors.
- So, then for the next hour I bounced between feeding Rose, trying to get a very stubborn splinter out of my foot, hobbling down the stairs to open the door and pass out candy and then starting over again.
- I gave up on getting the splinter out, and decided to just sit outside all bundled up to pass out candy, but that only lasted 30 minutes because Utah gets cold when the sun goes away.
- Ryan came home early and had to work on homework, but wasn't interested in watching Halloweentown, so he made fun of it the whole time and I just watched it on my phone instead.
- and the pumpkin seeds are still in the fridge a week later waiting to be roasted.

How did your Halloween go? :)

PS. If anyone would like some Butterfingers or Crunch bars, we have SO many left over. Come visit and I will give them ALL to you.

Here are pictures of the cutest little ballerina on the planet though, despite how grumpy she is sometimes. :)

Also, my legs are not THIS white (they actually sort of are, but I'm wearing tights in this picture, so they look even more white. And I'm wearing ballet clothes, so I'm not as immodest as you think... I think.)

Am I the worst mom for bringing her outside dressed like this? I promise it was only for about 10 minutes.)

All the heart eyes go to this sweet girl.

And here we are all bundled up on the porch. 

Also, here are our pumpkins. My cute little owl, and Ryan's sinister looking Jack O'Lantern. 

And, a very concerned Rose inside a pumpkin. "Mom! Dad! What are you doing to me?!"