On Finding Purpose

I graduated high school in 2013, so almost 7 years ago. In that 7 years I have gone through a lot of transition. My plans for myself have changed over and over again. I moved from Texas to Provo, Utah to start my college experience at BYU. At first I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I started out wanting to do graphic design, then I switched to photography, and then when I didn't get into the photography program I wasn't sure what I wanted to do and I decided to just focus on my general classes until I figured out what I would be a good fit for. 

After a year and a half of school, God let me know that against all of my determination not to, I needed to serve a mission. That was probably one of my first big life plan changes. It turned out to be exactly what I needed, and I ended up loving it. As a missionary, I really felt like I had purpose and knew who I was and what I was doing. (And I met Ryan there, so that turned out to be a huge plus.)

After my mission I went through transition after transition pretty fast. I went back to BYU August 2016 and switched my major to Family Studies, I started dating Ryan that same month. We got engaged in November, married in February and then I found out I was pregnant in September. 

When I was 8 months pregnant I graduated from BYU and then Rose was born a month later. At first I was planning to be a stay at home mom, but then I felt like I should apply for a graduate program. So, I studied for the GRE, took the test, got a job at The Heritage Community for clinical experience, and applied for the Marriage and Family Therapy program. I didn't end up getting into the program but I stuck with my job at Heritage for a year. When I got pregnant again I wasn't planning on working for very long but we had come to rely a little bit on the income I was bringing in, so I stayed as long as I could. 

This past December I quit, so that I could spend some time focusing on just Rose before baby 2 comes in April. 

So, I've been a full time stay at home mom for a little more than a month now. And I'm finding it kind of really difficult for me. 

It's hard to figure out where those feelings of difficulty are coming from though. 

I love being Rose's mom and I have a hard time imagining anyone else watching her during the day besides me. (Even when I was working last year, I worked nights and was with Rose during all of her waking hours. She never even knew that I was gone.) I have a little bit of anxiety and I can't bring myself to NOT be the one doing the majority (or all) of her raising. 

But I also enjoy working and making money and using my talents and I have a hard time feeling like I have much of a purpose. I think that has something to do with the world we live in where women can do and be anything they want, and I feel like I'm not accomplishing very much by staying at home with a baby. Especially since I have a college degree that I worked hard to get. 

But I also know that raising children is nothing to sneeze at and is a great work! That God loves and needs mothers who love and bring up good people in the world. I know that motherhood isn't easy and that it takes a lot to be a mom. So, it's important for me to not feel like I am "just" a mom. 

So, I guess what I'm saying is that it's complicated and I don't know how I feel about this transition. 

Rose isn't a great conversationalist yet. She has learned lots of words, but most of our conversations go like this: "book? book! book. book. book. book!!!" "Rose, do you want me to read you a book?" "yeah" "Can you say please?" "peez" "Okay, bring me a book." and then I read her a book that isn't really all that interesting. And we point out the hats and animals that show up throughout the book and maybe a few other things that she may recognize and have words for. 

I'm also 30 ish weeks along in this pregnancy and feeling it. So, I'm tired and my body aches and following Rose around can be a little tiring. 

Ryan is working 2 jobs now (which adds up to about 68 hours a week). Plus a 2 hour class on Tuesday and Thursday nights. One of his jobs is working a night shift 3 nights a week, so on his days off for his other job he sleeps during the day. And we are sharing the car, so he uses it most of the time to get to work and school and Rose and I go anywhere that we can walk. (Luckily, that includes the rec center, the library, and if we are feeling extra adventurous, Center Street.) 

So, I don't get a lot of time to talk to Ryan anymore or have his help with Rose. Being a stay at home mom can feel kind of lonely and monotonous. 

With all of this going on, I have been trying to figure out how I feel about being a stay at home mom, and how I feel about who I am as an individual, and what my purpose is and how I can find meaning in my life the way it is right now. 

This week in particular I have been praying about it and here are a few of the things that I have learned that have helped me. 

1) I learned from Kristen B. Hodson (on instagram, you should go follow her if you are a woman, she's awesome.) that when you become a mother, it's important to think of yourself in present tense not past tense. So, instead of saying "I used to be really interested in learning about family relationships, or I used to love to paint" to say "I love learning and I love painting." and then to make time to use and develop those talents. So, I've been taking Rose's nap time and the nights that Ryan is gone at work to write on my blog, or do things I love to do, and I try to spend less time wasting time scrolling through social media. (I'm not perfect, but when I stick to it I notice a difference in my happiness.)

2) I try to take my job as a mom seriously. In my last blog post I talked about my goal to be more intentional in 2020 and I have so much more joy in motherhood when I intentionally spend time with Rose. Instead of just skating through each day waiting for it to be time to put her to bed, I try to come up with ways to help her feel loved, empowered, important, and to help her learn. We go to the library a few times a week to pick out books, or I color with her, or I've recently started trying to let her help me cook or bake instead of having her play in her room by herself while I'm in the kitchen or trying to get it done during her nap. I pick things that I enjoy doing and don't feel bad for not playing with her the way other moms do, and we have fun. And she behaves really well because she's getting the attention she needs and deserves. I'm far from perfect, and I still have days where I let her play while I sit on the couch and scroll through Instagram or I'll turn on the tv, but the days seem to go by faster when we are more intentional and try to have more fun. 

3) There is a season for everything. I will not ALWAYS be a baby mom or a toddler mom. This phase is tough for it's own reasons but someday I will have a chance to go back to school and keep learning and maybe even find a career that I love. If I'm learning anything as I grow up, it is that time flies by. I can't believe that it has been 7 years since I graduated high school. Or that Rose is almost TWO. *starts sobbing* And so, I want to take the time to really enjoy this phase, and cherish the time that I have to be "just" a mom. 

4) I'm realizing that maybe I don't have just one specific purpose. After Clay Christensen passed away last week, several people mentioned his TED talk and that it was life changing and I thought maybe I should take the time to listen to it. It's called "How Will You Measure Your Life?" I didn't understand a lot of what he was talking about because I tried to listen to it and exercise at the same time and I'm terrible at that, but one thing I heard him say was that after he dies, when he stands before God, He doesn't think God will ask him how successful he was or how much money he made but rather how he touched the lives of individual people. I'm not paraphrasing that very well. Here is a quote from his talk:

"I’ve concluded that the metric by which God will assess my life isn’t dollars but the individual people whose lives I’ve touched.

I think that’s the way it will work for us all. Don’t worry about the level of individual prominence you have achieved; worry about the individuals you have helped become better people. This is my final recommendation: Think about the metric by which your life will be judged, and make a resolution to live every day so that in the end, your life will be judged a success."

There! Isn't that a cool way to think about life? So, right now, the impact I'm making may not be very big, but I have the ability to do my best to be a wonderful wife to Ryan and really lift him up. And I have the ability to be the best mom I can be to help Rose grow up feeling loved and important and strong, and like she can do anything. And I can do the same thing for each of my future children. I can also reach out to my friends and take the time to help them feel loved and remembered and important. I can smile to people at the grocery store and talk to the cashiers about how they're doing. I can just make sure that when I meet someone, I try to leave them a little better off than when I found them.

I'm sure there will still be days where I feel down, lonely, tired, bored, and like I should be accomplishing something more, but I think I'm on the right track to finding meaning and purpose in my life and making the most of every situation I'm in.

This is a picture from a trip Ryan and I went on when I was pregnant with Rose and still experiencing morning sickness. I felt gross, but I love this picture because Ryan likes it and he's the one that took it and I feel like sometimes it helps to see yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you.